Boobages Day starts off with a bang....

Last Saturday

I wake up at the crack of dawn so that I can follow the precise instructions left by my late dad for his world-famous smoked fish – also known as the only reason people ever come to my parties. Having brined for a precise number of hours, the 7.2 pound salmon needs to be taken out, soaked in water, etc. and so on. I had planned on smoking it in the morning, but realize that I’ll run out of time since I need to dash to the airport to pick up my friend Mary Ellen, who I haven’t seen in years but who’s finally come for a visit. No problem. Everything is under control, my timetable for things is going exactly according to plan, there’ll be plenty of time for the fish when we get back. I envision us hanging out outside, relaxing with a pre-party cocktail as we wait for guests to arrive…….

As I’m driving down Addison, I hit Western, and suddenly see……a sea of pink? Of pink WALKERS??? Shit, that’s right – one of those damn 2-day or 3-day walks is this weekend! But what the hell, why are they going through MY neighborhood? I thought they were always shuttled off to someplace vague yet scenic, like the lakefront path. Why me? WHY ME???? I place a call.

Me: Laura, we’ve got a situation here.
Laura: Uh oh, what’s up?
Me: I’m surrounded by WALKERS! In PINK! Walking people everywhere I look!
Laura: Oh boy….
Me: And on my birthday weekend no less!
Laura: That’s just not right.
Me: Exactly! So my question to you is this – would it be so wrong if I suddenly get a bout of physical Tourette’s and “accidentally” jerk the steering wheel and go careening into a crowd of pink? Because you know how I feel about this walking shit.
Laura: Well I…
Me: Hold on a sec…..(yelling) Hey! Let’s see how you feel about your walking when you’ve got a fricking GUMDROP stuck to your chest!!
Me: Okay, so what were you saying?
Laura: Just that you don’t want to get arrested, not on the day of your party – that would have a lot of food going to waste. Can’t you just wave a placard at them or something?
Me: Hold on a sec….(honking horn) Hey! Check out my bumper sticker! Fuck awareness, find a cure! How’s THAT for a cheerful pinkish slogan??
Me: Okay, what were you saying?
Laura: Placard? Maybe?
Me: Good idea – I’ll get back to you.

I don’t even know why I’m so annoyed with these Pink Walk-a-Thons. It’s not necessarily annoyance with the people doing the walking – well, other than the Walking Idiot who stole my Bat Girl spot from me – but it’s the fact of these stupid walks in the first place, that raise money for unknown purposes and that make people feel like they’re doing something, when that time and money could be better spent on something like the Pink Daisy Project, which actually makes a difference in women’s lives. Not this crap. And as a friend said - what the hell is the point of the walking? Can’t they fundraise while they also do something useful, like clean up a river, say?

Indeed.

* * * * * * * *

I pick up Mary Ellen without a problem, and she too is treated to swarms of pink as we head back in the direction of my place. Gee, it’s a shame that it starts pouring – must suck to be walking in the torrential rain and all. So we’re crawling along on Addison, heading to Dinkel’s to pick up my glorious Boobages Par-tay cake, and Mary Ellen is talking:

Mary Ellen: You realize of course that you’ve always had bad luck, even back in Kiev, whe…

*BAM!!!* There is stunned silence in our car for a moment. Then….

Me, raging: Oh COME ON! Not this shit again! You have GOT to be fucking KIDDING me!!

Yes, we’ve been rear-ended. Really. A mere 3 months after the LAST hapless idiot – a girl that time – rear-ended me.

I storm out of the car, an avenging angel as I like to think of it, putting the screws to idiot drivers on behalf of all of us.

Me, to the apparent 18-year old who just slammed into us: What were you thinking? Why weren’t you paying attention? What the hell WAS that??
Him: I…
Me: Don’t people know how to drive anymore? Mary Ellen, call the cops!
Him: I’m sorry…..I don’t think your car was damaged.
Me: How can you tell? You don't know that!

I go around to the side of the car, and see that the panel that was squished in the LAST time I was hit – and was just unsquished by the fine mechanics at Costco when I got new tires – is now squished again. Egads!!

Me, still raging: Look! Look, my car is squished in! Mary Ellen!

She hands me the phone, and after a brief conversation with the dispatcher person, I’m told that we should exchange information and then go to the police station to file a report. Fine. In the meantime, cars on Addison are honking at us for blocking the road. As if I give a shit.

Me to kid: Okay, so they told us to exchange information and then go file a report. Where’s your insurance card?
Kid: I don’t actually have insurance yet…
Me: WHAT??? How could you be driving and not looking at the road knowing you don’t have insurance??
Kid: I just got the car today and was going with my aunt to get insurance and I think the tires are a little bald….
Me: And you just got the car?? And there you were driving around NOT looking at the road?? Mary Ellen, call the police again!

This time, they send someone out, and it was at this time that the most traumatic part of the whole incident occurred:

Cop: I need your insurance card and driver's license to fill out the report.

Me: NOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!

After about a mere hour of paperwork, I’m handed the accident report, which has a court date on it.

Cop, to me: “Now, make sure you show up in court!”

Ha, if he only knew.

By now I’m no longer quite as incensed, and the kid’s car got the brunt of the damage – in fact, his hood is crumpled in and steam seems to be coming from it – so kid and I chat, shake hands, leave on good terms.

By now we’re running late, but no matter, it’ll just take a minute to pick up the cake, which was supposed to be ready by 10AM, and it’s now almost noon. Off we head to Dinkel’s…..

(to be continued)

*Yawn* - more fame, more fortune....

.....well, at least the fame part. Infamy? Okay, so I got my name in the paper again, how's that? AND (drum roll please), my first by-line in a major newspaper, the Chicago Sun-Times!

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Traffic victim perseveres and sees justice

March 22, 2010

BY TASHA HUEBNER

Last week's column was about accident victims not showing up in Traffic Court. If victims don't show up, the tickets against the person who caused the accident get dismissed, leaving bad drivers with clean records.

The column prompted several letters from people who said they went to court multiple times to make sure charges stuck against drivers who caused accidents. Here's one:

"I was in an 'accident' a couple of summers ago, when I was driving on I-55 when traffic slowed down, and an a--clown (sorry, but that's his official name as far as I'm concerned) behind me was obviously not looking at the road, so he slammed into me, spun my car around, I was then hit by another car, THAT car flipped over and landed on the far side of the highway upside down, my car slammed into the concrete barricade. ... It looked like Armageddon on the highway. ...

"And it turned out this guy had no license, no insurance, and was a convicted felon..... who went to court and pled not guilty. And even though my insurance company paid for my car, I and the three Hispanic men from the overturned car kept going to court. Continuance after continuance -- he didn't have a lawyer, this wasn't ready, etc. I think we showed up 4 or 5 times -- it was the principle of the thing. I think all he got for all that destruction was a $500 fine, and maybe probation. But it was interesting that he eventually decided to plead guilty -- I guess because he saw that we would keep going to court so he couldn't get out of it that way!

"There are some of us stubborn people out here who believe in helping justice along! I'd do the exact same thing again, even though he got a slap on the wrist."

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Okay, so I guess I should set the record straight - I didn't actually write the article, though that is exactly how it came across, as noted above. I just wrote to the woman who writes this weekly column, and she used my story about the assclown formerly known as "Eric Strickland" who demolished my car and several others, because he couldn't bother to keep his damn eyes on the road.

I'm not sure what impressed my friends more though - the fake by-line, or the fact that yet again I managed to get some "salty language" in the newspaper. First going on record as saying "screw you" to Mayor Daley, and now referring to someone as the proverbial assclown? Hmm, it almost makes me wonder who or what I should tackle next.....

People unclear on the concept

Blah blah blah - this is shorthand for saying that this morning Kona and I went to the dog park as usual, i.e. every day, rain or shine, blizzard or tornado, etc. When we get there, there's some woman I've never seen before with a border collie-type dog running around. It's a Big Holiday in Chicago (Casimir Pulaski Day), so that generally brings the non-regulars out of the woodwork.

Anyway - we open the outside gate so we're in the "vestibule" area before the inner gate, kind of a holding pen of sorts. The other dog is sniffing at the inner gate, checking out the "fresh meat" as I like to call the new dogs coming into the park, and as the woman is walking up she says "My dog is an alpha with other dogs."

Hmm, I think. Okay. "Well," I respond, "that's fine since my dog is totally non-confrontat......HEY! What the HELL!!"

Because at that point as I'm opening the inner gate her dumbass dog scoots out and attacks The Kone! And as usual, she's none too quick in pulling her dog back, so as usual, it falls to me to yank her dog back by the collar several times and protect Kona.

Idiot woman: I told you he was an alpha.
Me, yelling at this moron: There's a difference between being an "alpha" and attacking another dog!
IW: Sorry.

She didn't bother arguing with me, because I think she sensed, or intuited, that I was ready to kick her and her dog to another hemisphere.

Seriously people, I'm sick of you all who have not a lick of common sense. If your dog is an ass, do NOT bring him to a dog park where there will be other dogs. Because now I'm just going to start carrying Mace or something with me to the park - and I won't use it on your dog, I'll use it on you.

By god, we did it!

It’s not every day that the common people are able to come together on a task of such righteousness and moral strength as this one. Because as so often seems to happen in these troubled times, evil wins out over good, the bad guys prevail, batshit crazy trumps common sense.

Not this time.

Yes, I’m pleased to announce that in the poll noted in a previous post, we finally have a winner: Joe Lieberman was voted the winner over Glenn Beck as the Assclown of the Year for 2009! Hurrah, the people have spoken!

Again, I note that Lieberman is doing actual damage to the people he’s supposed to protect and serve, all while raking in millions from private interests such as oh, say, insurance companies. Pals with Aetna there much, Joe?

While Glenn Beck is just a bloviating windbag who isn’t worth paying any attention to. In fact, for many years no one did! Yep, he has a long history of not just drug and alcohol abuse/addiction, but also of being fired from one radio hosting job after another for a long line of tasteless stunts, like calling up a rival morning host’s wife, and mocking her recent miscarriage. Class act there. He’s like the idiot frat boy who suddenly finds himself in the spotlight for some inexplicable reason – listening to him is akin to learning about etiquette from Howard Stern.

Lieberman, on the other hand, is serious, at least about mucking things up as much as possible. And he’s in a position to do so, which makes him dangerous. And evil. Or maybe just retarded.

But in any case, the Assclown of the Year moniker is well-earned. Wear that crown proudly, Joe!

Every vote counts!

Finally, a poll we can all believe in - other than my very own brain tumor poll, that is. The question being asked here is the following: Who was the biggest assclown of 2009?

Now, in some ways this may seem like a simple answer, when your choices are finally narrowed down to Glenn Beck and Joe Lieberman. I went with Lieberman, because he's a worthless shill who has no problem betraying the people he's supposed to represent, all while lining his own pockets.

On the other hand, I watched a snippet of Beck the other night on Rachel Maddow's show, and from that, I can only come to the following conclusion: this guy is batshit crazy.

Here is the gist of what he was babbling about:

"This time Beck is taking shots at the titan of American capitalism, John Rockefeller, accusing him of having been a secret communist. Beck knows this to be true because he has discovered all sorts of "communist" and "fascist" art on NBC headquarters at Rockefeller Center, as well as on land behind the United Nations that was donated by Rockefeller.

........Rockefeller left clues to his true legacy with these communist art pieces which are hidden in plain sight, and since we have people in our own time who call themselves progressives they must actually be communists (possibly fascists?).

.......Also, Beck's icing on the communist cake is that the Rockefeller Foundation honored Beck's latest target, Obama adviser Van Jones. Got it?"

Well, no, I don't really get it - but then, I'm not batshit crazy. At least not for the most part.

Happy voting!