Well, or something like that.Okay, okay, so I know it's been a while. More than a while. AEONS. I've probably gone back down to tens of readers (ones?) from my previous nineteens. I have many blog posts that I started and then just never got back to - about the election, my ensuing rage, more rage, a trip to Costa Rica, and more rage. But what could I rant about that hadn't already been ranted about? What was the point, when our country was going into the toilet? Well, maybe I'll still get to writing about Costa Rica, the most amazing place in the world, and how we wound up trapped in our room by carnivorous monkeys and other fun things.
But. In the meantime. Yours truly finally decided to go with her calling in life, namely that of Jam Mixologist. Yes, I opened a boozy jam shoppe, called The Canning Underground. The story of how this came to be and why in these dark days we need all the booze we can get, that's below, from the blog on my jam website.
So it was spoken, so it was done.
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Sure, people think I’m joking when I say that it’s a
requirement once you move to Oregon that you have to take up canning. This is
not a joke, my friends. Oh no. I think it’s pretty much like Wisconsin, where the
WBCP (Wisconsin Border Cheese Police) check your cheese credentials when you
leave the state. “Enough Gouda? Edam? Did you buy cheese in the shape of a cow?
Okay, you’re good.” No lie.
So of course when I moved to Oregon three years ago, I was
faced with The Jam Rule. Start canning, or else. Luckily, the grounds of The
Manor are replete with fruit trees, including one that bears the famous “soft
yellow apple that sucks for eating.” Yes, THAT one. I think it might actually
be an heirloom translucent or something, but its main selling point is that
it’s not hard, and thus not the kind I like to eat.
Now, I’m sure I’m like everyone else in the world, whereupon
when I see an apple tree stuffed with apples, I think……apple butter. Apple
butter was my first JCoT (Jam Cellar of Terror) creation, other than the jugs
of fruit liqueur I had been advised to make, by Most Excellent Neighbor Laura.
Who knew that simply adding alcohol and sugar to fruit would make the aforementioned
liqueur? Not me. At least, not then. Ah, we were all so innocent then.
Now, even before my jams went from the simple
recipe-following ones to extravagant boozy concoctions limited only by nothing,
friends were clamoring for me to set up shoppe. “Miss Tasha, are you selling
these? Sell them! WE WANT JAMS!” All of which I pooh-poohed, because let’s face
it, jams are a tough business. Low
barriers to entry if you go renegade (anyone can throw some shit in a pot and
call it jam and not bother with licenses, though yes I am TOTALLY LEGIT),
uncertain ingredient supply and pricing, and the most important thing, no
economies of scale, at least in terms of time. That’s the problem with jam –
you can’t just triple the batch and makes tons at once. Oh no, of COURSE not.
Because that screws up the pectin and it won’t set, and if you don’t use pectin
for certain things (like marmalade), it won’t cook down enough without
scorching.
So yeah, you’re fucked on that too.
Thus, I resisted (#RESIST!), and just mailed people jams for
fun, toted them places in my suitcase when traveling (and yes the TSA checked
them EVERY TIME), and so on. Until. The week before Christmas when I was
meeting up with my Cancerchick friends in the Chicago suburbs for dinner. And Cori,
being the smart person that she is, brought each of us our own bottle of
chocolate tequila. Yes, CHOCOLATE tequila. What the hell, right? Which led to
the following conversation.
Me: Damn, Cori,
you’re brilliant. God knows we all need as much booze as possible these days.
Cori: Right?
It’ll be pretty much a non-stop drinkfest for 4 years.
Adrienne: Where’s
the shotglass?
Sherri: Let’s
rent a house and drink all weekend!
Me: Maybe what
the world needs for 4 years is boozy jam. Yeah, a jam of the month club, with
jams based on whatever latest shitshow is coming out of the WH.
Cori: Yes! All
marmalade!
(Cori loves her marmalade.)
Adrienne: Hello,
shotglass?
Sherri: Look, I
found this cute chalet on vrbo!
Me: Hmm, a jam of
the month might be a hassle. But HEY, I could totally sell themed boozy jams!
Omg, THEMED JAMS. This is brilliant! It would be entertaining AND fulfill our
boozy needs!
Cori: Themed
marmalade, I love it!
Adrienne: Cheers!
Sherri: We could
eat a differently themed jam each night at our chalet!
And here we are.
