Superfry Me

I’m fairly certain that the foodstuffs that have been chosen to wear the pink Breast Cancer Month banner are healthy and nutritious to the extreme – otherwise why would they have been chosen for such an honor? As such, I’m dedicating the month of October to my All Things Pink diet plan, during which I’m only eating pink-beribboned foods.

So far I’ve been eating a lot of Wheat Thins and M&Ms.

Oh sure, there’s yogurt, but that’s kind of a cliché, isn’t it? Healthy eating blah blah blah yogurt blah blah. I like to think of myself as a bit more cutting edge than that. So I’ve also made the natural leap that one makes with such things and am giving myself license to eat all pink foods –today was a veritable feast of cotton candy. Yum. When is this month over?? To add insult to injury, today at Dominick’s the checkout person asked me if I “want to donate money to breast cancer” – I of course said no thanks, I’ve been funding it pretty much full time lately, but I think my attempt at humor was lost on today’s callow youth. Sigh.

My next diet plan is going under the moniker of Superfry Me, or, Is Paula Deen on Crack? You see, when I go to PT they on occasion have their tvs tuned to the cooking channel, and invariably there’s Paula “lemme jus’ add anotha stick ah buttah” Deen making some concoction or another. Deep frying the green beans, adding that stick of butter to the chicken noodle soup, etc. Apparently she even once (more than once?) added melted butter to whipped butter to make.......something. I dare not guess what. My questions are – does everything really taste as good as it looks? And why hasn’t Paula dropped dead of a heart attack yet, in front of our very eyes no less, if fat is that bad for you? What is The Man not telling us?? So my plan for the month of December is to eat a Paula Deen dish for every meal – I assume she does breakfast in her cookbooks – and see where it gets me in a month. What the hell, I figure December is kind of death to healthy eating anyway – might as well go all out, right?

In other news, Deanna informed me that she’s been lifting heavy weights and eating vats of spinach to prepare her tiny, wee self to lift Salome so that my baby can be transported to me. I think she mentioned harboring hopes that my own “beefy” self could help her out too, but hey, if I can’t use the concussion/surgery as an excuse to sit around on my fat lazy ass and make other people do all the work, then what’s the point?