Friday, September 24, 2010

A primer on dating

I know, I know. I know exactly what you’re thinking. “But Miss Tasha, what could you possibly know about dating? You, who’s waiting for Perfect Man to show up on your doorstep?”

Be that as it may – and who says it couldn’t happen, huh? – there are still some incontrovertible truths about dating that I know to be fact. To wit:

· Finding out that the guy you’re dating, who you think of as Mr. Schlumpy i.e. too dorky to ever cheat on you, has pictures of his dick plastered on Adult Friend Finders as he attempts to hook up with every skank in existence – this is Not A Good Thing. (Note: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – if you do perchance decide to go trolling on AFF and similar sites, it’s probably not a good idea to have your sign-in name be anything with the word “littleman.” I’m just sayin.’)

· A guy who uses the words “magical and special” in a sentence and he’s not talking about DisneyWorld – this is Bad.

· Grown men owning ferrets – this is Weird.

And so on. So at least I have some street cred when I talk about dating, even though I fully expect Perfect Man to fall in love with me through my blog and then show up at my door to sweep me off my feet. Like that’s at all unrealistic. Please.

So it came to pass that my dear friend Mary Ellen was visiting me, and like many people these days, she’s turned to the internets to find true love, or something resembling it. We wind up looking at the profiles of the guys she’s at least vaguely interested in, since she wants to know what I think.

ME: Okay, the first guy, he’s Jewish and an animal activist and has some kind of math degree.

Tasha: So he’s a bow-tie-wearing PETA-supporting vegan accountant?

ME: Maybe?

I start looking at the profile. Well, at least I got the bow-tie wearing part right. Then….wait a minute…

Tasha: Mary Ellen, he has 2 cats! No non-gay guy has 2 cats!

ME: Are you sure? That doesn’t really mean anything, does it?

Tasha: Are you serious? Of course it does! And…..oh my god, look at this. “Loves Enya” – seriously?

ME: Bu….

Tasha: OH my god, LOOK – “Enjoys reading romance novels.” Mary Ellen!! What are you thinking?

ME: Bu….

Tasha: Oh, and of course he “likes plays, and is on a play kick right now.” What next, show tunes? Card-carrying member of the Liberace museum?

ME: So you’re saying you don’t think he would be good for me to date?

Tasha: Mary Ellen!!

ME: Okay, okay…

Girls, I know times can be tough, but really. Next time stop reading at “Enya,” okay? Trust me on this.


Roadie in Vancouver said...

Umm, to be fair to the Enya loving cat breeding accountant, a catch, I'm sure, shouldn't you be posting Mary Ellen's, ahem, attributes, so that we, your hordes of readers can judge compatibility?

Why is it ok for a guy to own 2 dogs, even if they are what I call toy dogs which we see here in the trendier areas, but not two cats?

In addition, the views on cats and guys came from someone who religiously watches Hoarders, for Gods sake ;-)

Mary Ellen, you know the saying, once you go Jew, you never go back. Hmm, that doesn't rhyme. Once you go Jew, it's blintzes for you!

t-odd said...

That membership card to the Liberace museum is collector's item now. RIP Liberace Museum. Sad.

Anonymous said...

I am absolutely falling out of my chair laughing - Tasha, how could you ?! But I have more, from the past couple of weeks: a guy who I've never met in person - just online - talks my ear off on a phone call, just "happening" to mention how much money he makes, how attractive and fit he is, the value of the real estate he owns and - wait for it - the size of his "member" (and yes, he used that word). Another called me up while driving drunk (yes, he told me this - WTF) to tell me that he knew that I wanted a "man's man", and that I was just waiting to cook him dinner and bear his children. Excellent. The latest gave me crappy directions for our date and had me wandering around the neighborhood - on foot - for 30 minutes; told me how he believed that the bible is an accurate, fact-based depiction of what happened a few thousand years ago; and when I told him what I do for a living, he told me how insignificant my job is, compared to his. Uh huh. At this point, a caveman - or an Enya-loving, musical-soundtrack-singing, 2-cat owner with ambiguous sexual preferences - is looking good. Bring on the blintzes!