Shit is all fucked up and bullshit

So, I think I had a heart attack yesterday.

No, really.

And not as in, “Damn, the high price of The Kone’s CheezyLammies is giving me a heart attack!” or “Wtf, Hoarders is a rerun, that’s enough to give me a heart attack!” or “Is Starbucks trying to give me a heart attack, being OUT of The Kone’s petite scones???”

Nope, not at all. There I was sitting at my computer at around noon, focusing on world dominion as always, having had my usual breakfast of a cup of coffee several hours earlier, when an elephant suddenly started to slowly stomp on my chest. At least that’s what it felt like – as if I had a crushing weight pressing down across my entire chest. And there was this weird pain across my chest – not a sharp pain in the heart area, but on both sides of my chest equally. And I felt lightheaded and had this sharp pain all along my jawline. For those who don’t know, these are ALL signs of heart attack in women.

My first thought, of course, was “Shit, I may have to call 911, I had better find some clean socks to put on.” I kid you not – I started looking for socks. Because we all know how critical that is when one is having some kind of potentially catastrophic medical event, that no one is laughing at your socks that are all dusty from chasing your dog around the house and outside.

So I find some socks, and then think oh, I’ll lie down for a second, maybe a different position will help. My breathing isn’t too great either, because lo, I have an elephant standing on my chest, but I lie down. With the help of The Kone, who jumps up on the bed to get comfy next to me. Pain/pressure still there. I get up, and realize I don’t even know where the closest emergency room is – and I’m not sure if I could even drive myself there. But 911? Hell, I’ve never called them in my life.

Luckily, as I’m dithering over socks and phone calls and such, after about 10 minutes the pain goes away. Because clearly I’m an idiot, and if it hadn’t gone away, I’d probably be found eventually on the living room floor, dead, still clutching a pair of clean socks.

Then I do the smart thing that they always tell you to do – I send an email to close friend Kimmy…….who lives in Portland.

“That was weird, I think I just had a heart attack, I’m still freaking out.”

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I get in to see the doctor a couple of hours later, they take the whole thing seriously, especially given that oh, the 7 weeks of radiation I had could have damaged my heart, plus FatSurly (Tamoxifen, for the uninitiated), is known to cause blood clots. They take blood – which they manage to get on the 6th try. Yes, 6th – and this only after I pleaded with blood drawer #2 to keep trying.

“Oh, I usually stop after 2 tries – I don’t like to upset people.”

Me: “I’ll be slightly more upset if I have a heart attack and die, so really, please, keep trying – I don’t care, I’m so used to it, you have no idea.”

EKG, fine. Blood tests, fine. I have a stress test scheduled for Friday morning, because I know something weird happened. A heart thing, a clot, something. My friends know that I don’t go rushing to the doctor for any little thing, and I’ve had chest pains before, which I’ve just ignored.

But this, this was weird. And different. Something happened, and they need to figure out what’s going on before I keel over on one of my 8-hour bike rides in the middle of Bumblefuck Cornland.

So that’s me. In the meantime, Kimmy has gremlins gnawing on her bones causing her extreme pain, Melindy has had a migraine for 15 days now, Adrienne (pregnant) had some weird kind of spotting and is now on bed rest, and Cori was told today that she of all people has dangerously low potassium and something going on with her tumor markers. And Cori’s Pudgy wound up almost dying last week from leptospirosis.

Given that all of us just came back from Charleston 2 weekends ago, what’s happening is perfectly clear: we picked up a haint or a curse along the way. Right? I mean, what else could it be?

So – if anyone out there has any good anti-curse spells or good luck charms, please send them our way. Clearly, we need them.