We are NOT pleased

 

It was going to be a glorious day today, just by virtue of the fact that I had a blood draw scheduled this morning. Huzzah! There’s nothing that makes me happier than leaving a trail of weeping and shattered blood techs in my wake.

So after stopping for coffee at Starbucks and studiously avoiding drinking any water (hey, plumping up my veins is NOT my responsibility!), I show up at Delnor to see Dr. Scott, the nice genetic counselor guy who says they have another genetic test they can run to see if there’s any familial component to this BC shit. I’m eager, excited, happy – I even text Cori and ask her if we should take bets on how many attempts it’ll take them to get blood. I’m guessing 6, which seems to be the minimum.

So imagine my shock and dismay when Scott and I sit down, and he starts opening up this kit that looks suspiciously nothing like a blood draw kit. Hmm. I narrow my eyes and gaze at Scott flintily. Don’t even, I’m thinking….

Scott: So instead of a blood draw we’re going to do this mouth rinse…

Me: NOOOoooooooooo! Nay! This. Can’t. BE!

Scott: But most peo…..

Me: I had my heart set on a blood draw! How else can I leave a trail of whimpering and defeated blood draw techs in my wake?

Scott: But….

Me, making the Sad Cancer Face: Isn’t there anything you can do?

Scott: Umm…..I guess I can try to make some phone calls..

Me: YESSSS!

Scott:…but I can’t promise anything. It depends on whether or not they have a tech available.

Me, happily: Okay, that’s fine, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

Scott backs out of the room, keeping what seems to be a wary eye on me, but I’m sure I’m just imagining that. Clearly he sees this kind of bold forward-thinking all the time, right?

As I’m waiting, I text Cori to tell her about the impending tragedy that I’m hoping we manage to avoid, and then look around the room to see if there are any computers whose home pages I can set to my blog. Damn. Nothing. I’m about to wander through the offices (trust me, they thank me for my efforts), when Scott comes in, and I look at him with the Sad Cancer Face in full force.

Scott: Well, they said it would take about an hour to send a blood draw tech here….

I look at my watch and think hmm, an hour, that might not be too bad….

Scott: So we’ll have to do the mouth rinse.

Damn! How much is one person expected to bear?? There’s a moment of silence while we ponder this latest ignominy.

Me, sadly: Mouth rinse. That’s so….ungainly. Unseemly. There’s absolutely no drama and pathos in mouth rinse. There’s nothing….blogworthy about mouthwash. Bah.

Scott, sympathetically (in my mind, at least): I’m sorry. It would have been a true battle of wills.

Me: Exactly, throwing down the gauntlet.

Sigh.

Me: Wait. I have my camera! Let me at least take a picture of the mouthwash so that I can chronicle this latest bout with the cruel vagaries of fate.

Scott: Okay! Here, I’ll move this so there’s a white background.

I take my picture, and then listen as Scott explains this whole mouth rinse process. Then he tells me that he’ll help me out as I rinse and spit.

Me: Ack! No! We are NOT compounding this tragedy by having anyone watch me spit! Good lord!

Scott: Okay, I’ll let you do it yourself. I should warn you, some people can’t handle the mouthwash – it’s overly minty, or….mouthwashy.

I just look at him. Really? I am a fricking Goddess, dude, I can handle some fricking mouthwash.

He sets up my little Scope and spit-into receptacle in the bathroom, and something occurs to me.

Me: Don’t you worry about people, say, substituting someone else’s spit?

Scott: You mean like a urinalysis test?

Me: Exactly! Aren’t there any controls?

Scott: Well, the test is just for your benefit, so that wouldn’t really make sens…….

Me: Aha, but what if someone just wants to shake things up a bit? Make it more of a challenge?

I feel this is an important point to pursue, this seedy hidden underside to genetic testing that no one ever talks about, but alas, for some reason Scott has now left a little vapor trail as he’s left the bathroom, leaving me to my own devices. Ah well. He must have had some kind of emergency.

I do the little ignominious swish-spit mouth rinse thingie – thinking to myself, you know, this mouthwash IS overly and annoyingly minty – and go back into our original room, despondent.

Me: Sigh. All done. Mouth…wash…(I can barely spit the words out, bitterly)

Scott: Next time. I promise, next time we’ll find a reason to do a blood draw. Oh, I know, the research studies I was telling you about – for that we’d have to draw bloo…

Me, interrupting: YESSSSS!

Happiness is restored. Especially when I recall that tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I have an appointment with another doctor. And yes……I need a blood draw.

Life is good again.