Saturday, October 4, 2014

Taking care of Short Bus

In today’s “déjà vu all over again” files, I went in to ORM this week to take care of Short Bus, aka ovarian cyst #1. Tomato, tomahto, cyst, Short Bus, whatever. There seems to be confusion regarding the difference between Short Bus and Clumpie, so in the interest of imparting serious scientific knowledge, here you are:
Clumpie = an annoying asshole polyp in the uterus that appeared out of nowhere, and had to be eradicated because these can impair embryo implantation
Short Bus = an annoying asshole cyst next to my right ovary that’s been there forever, hanging out, growing verrry slowly, but needing eradication because it might get in the way
Then there’s also Shithead:
Shithead = another annoying asshole cyst that appeared out of nowhere, either right up against or inside my left ovary, blocking my precious little egg-carrying follicles, hence also needing eradication
So that should now be clear. Anyway, it is testament to how busy I’ve been with canning tomatoes that before I went in for Short Bus Eradication (aka cyst aspiration), I did NOT google said procedure to see how it would all unfold. Instead, I just blithely went in and asked Dr. Barbieri “hey, so how does this all work, anyway?”
Whereupon I was horrified to learn that under no anesthesia, they basically – how do I put this – insert a freaking needle into the wall of the va-jay-jay to get at the cyst in order to drain it. Say what?
Dr. Barbieri: We could give you lidocaine, but that doesn’t really help much because then we need to give you TWO shots the same way for it to wo…
Me: Yeah no. Let’s just get it over with. By the way, is it bad that I refer to this cyst as Short Bus?

(I don’t know why the assistants are always hit with a fit of giggles when they’re in the room with me. Odd.)
Dr. B: That makes perfect sense, actually.  Benign…
Me: Chill…
Assistant piping up: Just hanging out!
Me: Exactly. Oh, and are we going to check up on Shithead too?

(Again with the giggles. Should I suggest she see someone about those fits?)
Dr. B: Yes, let’s see….oh, that one is getting smaller!
Me: Awesome! Begone, Shithead! So, umm, do we really need to get rid of Short Bus? I feel kind of bad about it.

Yes, that’s how my mind works – I name my cyst and suddenly I feel bad for the damn thing, like I’m shooting Bambi or something. I know, I shake my head too.
Dr. B: Well, we don’t have to, but you can see from the size and where it is, it might cause problems..
Me: Okay, let’s do it. Sorry Short Bus, we hardly knew ye. Except we did, for something like 7 years now.

In a perverse way, I’m kind of glad to note that Short Bus didn’t go down without a fight, and we could only get rid of about 75% of him. So I guess that’s a win-win; he gets to stick around being his usual happy self, but he’s also no longer in the way. Another hurdle overcome. Oh, and yeah, the needle thing kind of sucked as much as you would expect, but only briefly, so there’s that. No biggie.

(I swear to god though, The Damians better be Pulitzer prize-winning cancer-curers, for all the trouble they’ve put me through.)

Dr. Barbieri does note as well that I also have 11 visible follicles, which is pretty damn good, so yeah, I’ll take it.

Me: Well, at least Short Bus isn’t entirely gone, so I don’t have to feel bad.
Dr. B.: Yes, but now you can’t call him Short Bus anymore. Maybe Mini-Cooper?

I love my doctors.

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