Friday, March 20, 2015

Questions, we get questions

As is typical with a blog of this renown, I get questions from my faithful nineteens of readers, wanting to know everything about the inner workings of my life so that they too can emulate my greatness. While I certainly can’t share every secret that makes me Who I Am, on occasion I do graciously acquiesce to answering a few of the more pressing queries or comments. To wit:

I say, meet me in Las Vegas next month, we dine, dance, drink and make a baby the normal method not the "abby something, abby normal I think" way.”
This is actually an excellent idea, most excellent, Random Internet Stranger. If we took just a quarter of the about $60K I’ve spent thus far on unicube production, we could have us a grand ol’ time in Vegas. Cirque du Soleil shows and Vegas-priced Starbucks and quarter slots and basically All The Things. Hell, we could go every month around ovulation time and stay at the freaking Bellagio for that kind of cash.

So if this shit doesn't work, I'm in. Please, RIS, send me an application post-haste detailing your sperm count/motility as well as a genetic test that shows that you too are not a carrier of GRACILE syndrome, aka the rare disease of my heretofore unknown Finnish ancestors. We’ll talk.
“Miss Tasha, are you still using the Cheez-It and Slim Jim training diet along with the intensive method of only training on a bike on the road for only the two weeks leading up to the ride?”
Another excellent question. I was thinking about my training regimen the other day as I was riding my bike – actually, I was driving, but I was thinking about cycling so it’s essentially the same thing. I was trying to pinpoint the optimal 2-week period in which I should start ramping up for all the crazy-ass bike rides I plan to do this summer. Should it be before RAGBRAI, thus going into the rides before that on really fresh (aka untrained) legs? There’s clearly something to be said for going into organized events without having put your body through all the stresses of cycling for hours.
As I always say, any fool can get ready for something by embarking on a strict training protocol months ahead of time. It takes true greatness to just blindly go into those same events with only a 2-week ramping-up period beforehand. I think it’s part of my (ahem) Wharton training, where I do the back-of-the-envelope calculations and cost-benefit analyses and throw in some TQM to get at the greatest efficiencies for my training plan. After all, why spend days and weeks frittering away your life training when you can just pack it all into 18-hour cycling stints for a couple of weeks?
As for diet, I still recall with some fondness the time I attempted to score a Slim Jim sponsorship by reaching out to the one SJ marketing person I could find on LinkedIn.
He denied my request, blocked me, hid his LinkedIn profile, and moved to another country so fast that my head is still spinning. So that was a bit of a bust.
To show my extreme dedication to my attempts at unicube production, I did in fact completely overhaul my diet. Cheez-It consumption was brought WAY down, to almost ridiculous levels; at one point I was down to around half a box per day, just in the morning. Torture to be sure, and I wouldn’t recommend anyone else try this, but that’s the kind of single-mindedness eye-on-the-prize attitude I’m known for.
Of course, since my last cycle was a bust, all of that happy horseshit went straight out the window and I’m pleased to note that I’m back to my usual finely-honed diet of cheezy yums and salty meat snacks.
One interesting note – a dear friend who is also on this IVF path told me that apparently some circles say that us IVF-ers should avoid strenuous activity or working out. To which I say, fuck you, some circles, and my apologies to my little future unicorns. Even Miss Tasha has her limits, and if I can’t ride my bike for hours in a frail attempt to preserve what’s left of my sanity, well then, this shit just ain’t gonna happen.


Anonymous said...

God I love you, Thanks

Anonymous said...

Ok, tests are ongoing as we speak. First Vegas dates 4/20/15 - 4/24/15.
Room, meals and shows included. Travel is on your end.
Boy I hope I mailed the test envelopes to the correct addresses