Drugs in a small town

It saddens me when I find out that the problem of Drugs In America is so pervasive that it’s infiltrated even the smallest of burgs, those that typify what America is all about: tchochkes and ice cream shoppes. I’m speaking of course of Galena here, a town that has 1 ice cream shoppe for every 200 residents, and more tchochke emporiums than a person can count. I guess it works for them, since I don’t think the vast majority of elderly tourists who go there to sight-see are going to get on a bike and ride up and down those damn hills and call it “fun.” We leave that to people like me.

So, the drug problem there became apparent to me when on May 1st, as is tradition, the Galena triathlon webpage started posting the theoretical water temperature of Apple Canyon Lake – the lake where the triathlon this weekend is supposed to begin. Now, we all now that Race Directors MSU big time when it comes to the water temp (see: Firecracker Tri last year), because they understandably don’t want the hassle of rerouting and reconfiguring everything by making it a duathlon instead. However, they rarely put their MSUing in writing, for all to see. Case in point: the water temperature of Apple Canyon Lake started out on May 1st at 51 degrees, and within the span of a week – mind you, a week in which the air temperature hovered at about 40 and Lake Michigan went from 58 degrees to 46 – that temperature went to the magical 59 number, and has stayed there ever since, logic be damned. These are the scenarios I’ve envisioned, as enacted by the lackeys assigned the task of taking the Galena water temp:

Scenario 1

(Stan and Mike hanging out at the Galena Parks Authority hut)

Stan: Yo, Mike, we gotta go take the temp of the water in the lake.
Mike: Msdfhfphiap.
Stan: Huh?
Mike, choking down donut: Yeah, man, whatever. It's too damn cold and windy outside. Just say it's the same. 59 or whatever.
Stan: Okay. Hey, pass me another beer to go with this cruller, wouldja?

Scenario 2

Stan, looking at baby harp seals frolicking in Apple Canyon Lake: Well shit, I ain't gettin' in the water to take the temperature. It's too damn cold. What else does anyone need to know?
Mike: Msdpfhdfdhfs.
Stan: Okay, if you think that, then YOU get in there to take the temperature!
Mike: Okey dokey. (Mike tiptoes gingerly to a small, inch-deep pool of stagnant water trapped between several rocks in the blazing sun. Quickly dunks thermometer in.) Uhh.....I can't read it too good. Looks like a 5.....something. Let's say 59 - that's the number of my favorite NASCAR driver.
Stan: Good. Let's go get some breakfast!

Scenario 3*

Stan: Yo Mike. It's your turn to take the water sample today.
Mike: That it is. [Grabs cup and walks down to the water. Fills cup with water sample. Returns to the hut.]
Mike: Here ya go Stan.
Stan: Hey Mike. What time you got?
Mike: 9:45
Stan: Great, break time!
Mike: Yup. Wouldn't want to break union rules! [Sets up next to coffee pot.] We'll just measure the temp later.

Scenario 4

(3 hours later, Stan and Mike's coffee break has ended)

Stan: Yo, Mike, where's that cuppa water we gotta measure the temp of? Wasn't it by the coffee pot?
Mike: Masdfhjasp.
Stan: You moron! Whatdja go putting the water sample in the coffee pot for? Shee-it. Let's check the temperature anyway. 148 degrees.
Mike: So we just take half of that and that should be about right. So half of 148 is......
Stan: .....59. Yeah, that sounds right.
Mike: Mom always did say you were the mathy one in the family.
Stan: Ayup. Say, did you pack the cookins? I think it's time for lunch.

Needless to say, I’m not overly excited about doing this race this weekend. Especially since I have vivid memories of last year’s race, whereupon I started the swim and about 100m into it, could no longer breathe. That’s the only time I’ve been in water and actually thought I might drown - or at least have to get the lifeboat to rescue me. And the whole coughing up blood thing afterwards, that was no picnic either. So while I like open-water swimming in general, a hell of a lot more than swimming in a pool (booooooring), I’m a bit apprehensive about this one, especially since my lungs and breathing didn’t work quite right for a couple of months last year after Galena. Minor, pesky details, I know, but we all know how I fret about the little things.

*Credit to Joe for coming up with this scenario, which I had to include for continuity’s sake. Thanks joe!