Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A mole in the organization

Imagine my surprise and dismay when I sit at my computer the other day, delete the usual 128 emails from Swimfan, and then go to peruse a couple of my favorite tri sites, to see if any of the “little people” need my expertise. In other words, the usual. But lo, what’s this? J’accuse!

“Someone” has clearly been spilling my secrets to triathlon greatness to the rest of the world! I was shocked, truly shocked to see another bike set up exactly as mine is for all my triathlons, down to the GUs cleverly stacked beneath the Bento box. I’m not sure what this person’s goal is other than to imitate me – the beauty behind my set up is that by toting around 40 extra pounds of weight in the form of hydration/nutrition, I’m making every race more of a challenge, as opposed to the cakewalk that it would be otherwise. But I comfort myself in the knowledge that not ALL my secrets are out in the open, since my bike has the double-chambered aerodrink, big enough for a Big Gulp x2. So there!

As for who the mole is, naturally I suspect Deanna. She’s apparently been spending so much time cozying up to nefarious and shady characters so that she can sell my secrets that all this talk of her “training” is just a sham. I present to you Exhibit A, Deanna the morning before the Big Foot triathlon:

Now I ask you, does that look like someone who just went on a 5-hour ride, like I did, or someone who just spent the whole night doing tequila shots at the Lazy Minnow Bar? I think we all know the answer to that. And this weekend, while I’ll be riding across the state of Wisconsin and back, Deanna will be doing her own version of HellCheeseWeek. Apparently her and a couple of other sucke....umm........forward-thinking and astute tri club folks paid some random people big bucks for maps. Of roads in WI.

Me: "So what’s the deal with this HellCheeseWeek? Is it like some sort of boot camp?"
Deanna: "Kind of. We ride every day on some crazy hills."
Me: "Who organizes it?"
Deanna: "I don’t know, some people on the internet."
Me: "Wait, so what exactly do you get from them? You had to register for it, right?"
Deanna: "Yes, we paid them. They give us maps. I think we pick those up at a secret location along the way, an unused mailbox or something."
Me: "That’s it? No rest stops, no course support? Nothing? You paid them for some MAPS???"
Deanna: "What’s wrong with that?"

I looked up the website, and I love how they position their miserliness as something bold and spirited and grass-roots: “In the spirit of TX Hell Week, rides are unsupported.” Spirit, my ass. Even the Udder Century gives you lots of snacks along the way and has SAG support. But hey, they let you know that “numerous C-stores along the way give you the opportunity to replenish your fuels.” Gee, thanks. And for the privilege of doing this “hell week,” one pays the lofty price of $89, $99 after June 20th. Not a bad gig if you can get it. Hmm.......clearly I'm the one doing something wrong here.

In other news – I’ve brought another killer dog into my house, since he was stuck at Animal Control and would have continued to be stuck there over the holiday weekend. He’s already tried to jump in my lap and clearly intended to go for my jugular – I just hope the frightened screams of passersby when I take him for a run/walk in the morning don’t bring out Chicago’s finest. We’ve seen what they do to animals roaming around this neighborhood (see: cougar, shot).

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