So for some reason I still get Glamour magazine, even though by now I’ve read every article they could ever think of and it’s all just variations on a theme. Still, hope springs eternal that eventually they’ll reveal the secrets to the cosmos or something along those lines. And indeed, what should I spy on the front cover the other day? Yes, an article on the secret to DRASTICALLY reducing your chance of breast cancer! Wee, just what I’ve been waiting for!
Though actually, before I flip to the article, I’m just taking bets with myself. Hmm, what are the chances that the #1 thing they’ll mention is.......exercise?! Unless it’s something completely wacky like heavy doses of the acai berry, which I also hear is the latest chi-chi thing in cancer prevention. Probably why they have it in yogurt, orange juice, and I think even in my Cheez Puffs – which makes them even MORE healthy, if such a thing is even possible.
So, cutting to the chase here, as I’m sure you’re all as eager to hear this revelation as I was. I flip to the relevant page, start reading....drum roll.......#3 on the list is reducing alcohol. When you’re not drinking more, that is, in the case of red wine. Okay, I don’t drink anyway, next! Oh. Don’t smoke. Okay, never did that anyway. #1? Survey says...........exercise! Gee, thanks. Get at least 30 minutes of exercise 3 times a week, or try to average a couple of hours of week over the long term. This is why even my oncologist giggles a bit when we talk about things like this: “Well, one of the best things you can do to prevent a recurrence is to exercise, but (giggle) I guess I don’t have to encourage YOU to exercise, now do I?”
Well, no – training for long-ass triathlons kind of takes care of that.
But the article does say long-term exercise, so one might wonder if I ever did anything before I took up the pursuit of triathlon goddessness. And to that, I’d have to say – not really. I was a bookish child, with a lazy eye (okay, no lazy eye, but I like the way that sounds), so exercise just wasn’t something I did. Lots of lazing about reading Watership Down and other fascinating books, while I wasn’t off spelunking or corn-shucking or partaking in some other odd Midwestern activity, as those of us from this part of the country are wont to do.
In retrospect, I guess I did start taking ballet lessons when I was 3 or 4, followed shortly thereafter by Ukrainian folk dancing lessons. Then within a couple of years, ice skating. So there was all that. In junior high I added track, and rode my bike miles and miles everywhere. College, took up rugby, and still took dance classes every day. Business school, started playing hockey. Then and only then did I start triathloning.
So it’s easy to see why cancer decided to take on my lazy ass, really. As I keep telling myself, I really have to try that whole “exercise” thing they keep talking about, one of these days.
In other random yet exciting news, I got a subpoena today, yay! Yes, soon I’ll get to travel back to the bucolic, semi-peaceful town of Eagle, WI, to testify against batshit-crazy Perp with the renegade pickup truck. Effective immediately, I will begin practicing what I plan to say: “Your honor, dat yoot over there thinks the laws of physics do not apply on HIS stove!” Not sure what that has to do with almost getting plowed over by a runaway truck, but hey, I think I can make it work. I’m just that good. I wonder if it would be frowned upon if I brought by bike up there and just, say, made a day of it?