Wednesday, April 25, 2012

More Portland weirdnesses

Scandal at Starbucks

Kim and I are walking into Starbucks having one of our usual conversations.

Me: Well, I really think if you look at neutrinos and the Higgs boson as part of a natural yet existential continuum then OH MY GOD! Look!
Kim: Wha….what the hell?
Me: Look at those so-called “petite” scones! They’re twice the size of the ones in Chicago! Garcón!

Hapless Starbucks employee: Can I help you?
Me: Just look at those so-called petite scones!
HSE: Umm, yes?
Me: Look at them – they’re huge! They’re almost the same size as the regular scones!
HSE: Well yes, that’s wh…
Me: J’accuse!
HSE: But…
Me: Are they always that big? Is that de rigeur here in Portlandia?
HSE: Umm, yes, that’s how the bakery makes the…
Me: Scandal! The Kone is being robbed back in Chicago! Okay, granted, my little Chunkers may not necessarily need a Chernobyl-sized scone, but still, that is beside the point.
HSE: But….
Me: Kim! Make a note of this travesty! Letters must be written! We need to coalesce around this critically important issue! Alert the media! Kim….Kim?

I don’t know why Kim keeps darting out of the places we’ve gone into together, but it seems to be happening more and more often. I hope the poor dear isn’t developing some kind of weird agoraphobia or something. Well, I’ll soldier on regardless, and will report back. Courage.

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