Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Descending into farce

So the cancer thing - that wasn't good news of course, and much support and caring followed that pronouncement. And then the broken collarbone - also not a picnic. Both engendered lots of sympathy, appropriate expressions of commiseration and misery, etc. All to be expected.

Now, we all know that I got the broken collarbone thing while out doing the Dairyland Dare, an epic bike ride in southwestern WI, about a week and a half ago now. And in addition to the concussion, the bleeding on the brain, the broken clavicle, the bruises/cuts/etc., I've had the standard road rash to deal with. Which I've generally just ignored due to the overwhelmingness of everything else, what with putting bandages on this and that, dealing with the sling, and so on. Road rash, ech. Whatever.

Then last Thursday I'm toodling about with Annette, my designated tri clubber for the morning, and I mention this road rash patch that's started to ooze and how that's kind of weird. So she in all her wisdom suggests we stop by Walgreen's and ask the pharmacist what he thinks of it. Great. No problem. Except the pharmacist takes one look and suggests I see a doctor as the rash seems to portend an infection, which immediately makes me think of flesh-eating bacteria and the like. Not good.

Anyway, to make a long story short for the sole reason that I still can't type worth a damn, we go to an emergency clinic, where the verdict is this:

Poison ivy/sumac.

No, seriously.

It's okay to laugh - as I did at the clinic. I'm quite sure I'm the only person who's ever laughed when given a similar diagnosis - and then I went out to tell Annette, who snickered, as did Deanna, Bridget, etc. when I told them. All this and ALSO poison ivy???? Who makes this shit up?? I feel like I've officially "jumped the shark", so to speak, where I've lost my audience because this is just too ludicrous. Don't blame me though - blame the cosmos. Or "blame" the Good Samaritan who pulled me off the road at the DD as I lay there unconscious, because that's the only way I can think that the poison ivy could have been transferred to my skin. Not that I blame him, certainly not. Thanks for the efforts, guy. Truly.

But really - poison ivy???!! Have we or have we not entered the realm of the absurd here??

On another note, before the crash, I did have a brief conversation with Deanna about my issues with Felt, comparing my plight to her dealings with Cervelo, since she got her new bike at the same time I got Sálome. To sum:

Me, glumly: So, I suppose you haven’t any problems at all with your new Cervelo?
Deanna: Well, now that you mention it, I couldn’t quite figure out how to get my behind-the-seat bottle holder onto the seatpost, which is kind of oddly shaped because it’s maximizing the bike’s aerodynamics.
Me: Aha! So now you’re dehydrated all the time because you couldn’t make it fit.
Deanna: Well, no. Since about 90% of the guys on Slowtwitch have Cervelos, one of them figured out how to make it work using cable ties and a Dremel, and I got someone to attach it for me.
Me: Oh. Anything else?
Deanna: I did hear a rumor that I shouldn’t put my Cervelo on a trainer, that it would compromise the integrity of the carbon fiber, unless I had some special impossible-to-find skewer, or something like that.
Me: Aha! I assume you spent many hours researching this on the internet, perhaps going to the Library of Congress as well? And then gave up in inglorious yet resigned defeat, realizing that this was an insurmountable problem and that your bike would just have to collect dust over the long cold winter?
Deanna: Kind of. I googled a couple of things, but mostly I just emailed Cervelo directly.

Deanna can be so adorable in her naiveté, the poor dear.

Me: I’m guessing you got the typical automated response telling you they had gotten your email?
Deanna: Well, they did get back to me within 2 hours.
Me, nodding knowingly: With a form letter saying that your question would be taken under advisement, forwarded to the appropriate department, and replied to if deemed worthy though highly unlikely?
Deanna: I suppose. They explained in detail why having the Cervelo on a trainer wasn’t a problem and the physics behind it, and sent along some blueprints to show me exactly how the bike has been wind-tunnel tested so that there’s no drag even on a trainer.
Me: Oh.
Deanna: Oh, and they also emailed me a 3-D schematic with accompanying formulas and graphs to show me optimal skewer placement to maximize my aerodynamicness, focusing particularly on the different vectors and degrees of yaw.
Me: I see.
Deanna: I almost forgot – then today I got in the mail the diorama they sent me that has a holographic image of me as set up on a trainer in my living room, so that I can replicate it to the tiniest detail.
Me: You don’t say.
Deanna: Yeah, kinda cool, huh? And then they were insisting on setting up an appointment to have Hector the Cervelo Guy come out to set things up for me just in case, but I told them they could hold off, that I’d see if I could figure it out first.
Me: Grgl......
Deanna: Say, do you want some bonbons? My newfound Cervelo buds sent them to me as an apology for making me worry about something like this, but I’m trying to stay away from chocolate so that I get even more tiny and wee before IMMOO. But I can tell that’s not a concern for you. Hey, are you okay? You sound like you’re choking or something.



D said...

Have I told you lately that I love you? Poison Ivy. bahahahahahhah.
No seriously. I love you. ;)

JoJo said...

You have the most unbelievable .... luck??? I just can't find the right word. Hope the road rash, poison ivy, collarbone, brain etc. are all healing. Not to mention the cancer, although obviously that doesn't "heal", but you know what I mean. Thanks for the laughs. JoJo

Kristin said...

is there any way to demand a recount? something. call a mulligan?

"Life needs an UNDO button" that's all I'm saying....

Jen said...

man you have deanna NAILED.

Steve oH! said...

I figured it out...

God doesn't love you anymore...

have a nice day : )

Inanna242 said...

You should buy a lotto ticket.

Angela and David Kidd said...

Wow. I can't think of anything wittier to say. Poison ivy with everything else. Wow.

Sherri said...

Just when you think it can't get any worse - poison ivy strikes - and proves you wrong. I hope it dries up quickly, fight the urge to scratch!