Steelhead glory

Because I know that Deanna is obsessed with tracking my training plan so that she can attempt to incorporate elements of it into her own IM training, I called her up as soon as possible after Steelhead, to regale her with my usual tales of victory and greatness in the wonderful sport of triathlon.

Deanna: Hello?
Me: Hey, I’m calling you to tell you my tales of triathlon victory and greatness.
Deanna: Of course. How did your race go?
Me: As well as one would think. A blazing 5:30 time. Could’ve been a bit faster, but I didn’t want to push myself too much for what was really just a “B” race.
Deanna: A 5:30? Seriously?
Me: Yep. Started things off with a 20 minute swim time.
Deanna: A.....now wait a minute. MY half-IM swim is at best about 30 minutes. Did you hitch a ride on a boat or something?
Me: Don’t be silly. I’m just that good. Okay, so technically the swim was a 2.1 mile run since they cancelled the swim, but clearly they felt the 2.1 mile run was the equivalent of a 1.2 mile swim. So I just call it my 20-minute swim time.
Deanna: So you didn’t do a swim.
Me: Didn’t you hear what I just said? Yes, I did the swim, but as a run.
Deanna: But that.....well, fine. Whatever. How was the bike?
Me: Ah, I shined on the bike, as always. My only problem was that you know how I have those foot problems where about 30 miles in my feet go numb, and about 70-80 miles in I get burning agonizing foot pain and then I can’t walk? Well, that all happened immediately when I started to ride. I’m not sure, but I think maybe the fact that I had my breakfast of a cheese stick and Pepsi at 4AM and then didn’t start the race until 8:30AM might have had something to do with it. Low on electrolytes or something. It was weird though – I was fine when I rode the course on Thursday and Friday other than the usual foot numbness.
Deanna: You rode the whole course on both Thursday and Friday? Have you ever heard of, say, tapering?
Me: I’m anti-taper. I believe in ramping up. Obviously it worked, kind of.
Deanna: So how did you manage the ride?
Me: By gritting my teeth and sucking it up and not letting any fireant-esque excruciating foot pain stop me, no sirree! It was 3 hours of hell. No, make that 2:58 of hell. At least I beat my bike time from last year – basically because I wanted to be done with the bike. So I essentially averaged 19 mph on the bike. Supposedly the bike course was 1.5 miles short, but even so, if you tacked that on my bike time still would have been a 2:59. I even got a compliment by some cute guy on his Cervelo on the final stretch, who complimented my “great bike split” as he went zooming past me. Ah, I continue to bask in the glory of it all.
Deanna, mumbling: I’d think you’d be used to it by now.
Me: Whazzah?
Deanna: Never mind. Okay, so.....what then?
Me: What do you mean, what then? I finished in a blaze of glory!
Deanna: What about the second run?
Me: Second run??
Deanna: The 13.1 mile run, you moron!
Me: Oh, that. I decided that I had already proved my point, and I didn’t want to compromise the integrity of my athletic endeavors by bastardizing the concept of the duathlon, like everyone else seemed to be doing, tacking on another run. After all, we all know that du = two. In this case, run-bike. Anything else would have been redundant.
Deanna: But...you.....no....a duathlon is a run-bike-run!
Me: Puh-leeze, how does that even make sense? Is a pentathlon a horseback ride-archery-skeetshooting-skiing-archery-horseback ride-snowshoeing? No, of course not, it’s ride-archery-shoot-ski-snowshoe. Penta = 5, just like du = 2. I don’t know what the hell everyone else was doing, but I did a duathlon.
Deanna: But.....so how’d you get a time of 5:30 if you didn’t do the second run?
Me: Oh, I just extrapolated using my time on the first run. With my blazing speed of 10 minute miles, I calculated that out to a 2:10 half-marathon split, and voila! Simple, really. I knew from the moment I woke up that I was on track for a 5:30 or less, and that certainly turned out to be the case.
Deanna, breathing heavily.
Me: Say, did I catch you in the middle of a run or something? You sound a bit peaked – you don’t want to overdo it. Please, don’t keep trying to imitate me – I tell everyone that my training regimen is NOT for amateurs!
Deanna: You....you........
Me: Oh, how did your little ride go? Didn’t you go toodle around on the Madison course or something?
Deanna: Tood....I RODE the entire Madison course in the 89 degree heat, that’s what I did.
Me: You’re so cute. Did you also average 19 mph, like me?
Deanna: On those hills?? Are you completely insan....
Me, interrupting: Oh, it’s okay, forget I asked. I always forget how tough it can be for people without my own innate athletic abilities. Just because I can easily conquer the hills and mountains of Benton Harbor, MI, doesn’t mean that can be replicated by others. Say.... my offer to help you out with your training still stands. If we start working together now, we might be able to get you up to half-IM readiness by, say, next summer. And then an IM in 2010. We all know how tough the long course stuff is. What do you thi....hello? Helloooo?