The answer to my problems

Well, not all my problems of course – even I recognize what a tall order that would be. So there I was at my mom’s last week, puttering around the house while breathing deeply and hence doing a strenuous core workout, when I spotted a file folder. “Diets,” it said. Hmm.

I just have to say, the treasure trove I found was remarkable. A bunch of those little booklets that they sell at checkout counters, but these were the originals, i.e. the 1974 version of Stillman’s, not the new namby-pamby version that coddles people and lets them eat processed food and the like. No sirree! Some highlights:

· One is allowed 3 – count ‘em, 3 – olives a day. I know, the mind reels.

· We – that is, the “overweights” as the good Dr. Stillman refers to us – can potentially lose 10-25 pounds (“or more!”) in just two weeks. Sweet!

· Ha! In the “daily 15-minute exercise program” section, the VERY FIRST item is entitled “Breathing Exercises.” Doubters and naysayers, take heed!

· Alcohol is allowed. Yes!!

· This part is labeled IMPORTANT: “Take a multivitamin daily – if you are over 40, take a higher content “geriatric” capsule.” Geriatric? At 40?? Sigh.

Now, one of my problems with these kinds of diets is that I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of person, figuring that if something is good, going to that extreme is way better. So it is with diets, where I generally err on the side of eating too little, feel like crap, and don’t lose weight anyway thanks to my FUCKED UP METABOLISM AND FATSURLY. Oh wait, did I say that? Anyway.

But I’m determined to follow this to the letter. NO deviations, at all. This means that I need to learn to make something called Protein-PLUS Bread, Protein-PLUS Buns, or Protein-PLUS Cake. Though as far as I can tell, the only difference in the three is….I have no idea. They all have the exact same ingredients. Hmm.

I began this little experiment in high protein-low-carb-low-calorie yesterday, July 1^st, and feel significantly slimmer already. I will continue to report back.