Friday, July 2, 2010

The answer to my problems

Well, not all my problems of course – even I recognize what a tall order that would be. So there I was at my mom’s last week, puttering around the house while breathing deeply and hence doing a strenuous core workout, when I spotted a file folder. “Diets,” it said. Hmm.

I just have to say, the treasure trove I found was remarkable. A bunch of those little booklets that they sell at checkout counters, but these were the originals, i.e. the 1974 version of Stillman’s, not the new namby-pamby version that coddles people and lets them eat processed food and the like. No sirree! Some highlights:

· One is allowed 3 – count ‘em, 3 – olives a day. I know, the mind reels.

· We – that is, the “overweights” as the good Dr. Stillman refers to us – can potentially lose 10-25 pounds (“or more!”) in just two weeks. Sweet!

· Ha! In the “daily 15-minute exercise program” section, the VERY FIRST item is entitled “Breathing Exercises.” Doubters and naysayers, take heed!

· Alcohol is allowed. Yes!!

· This part is labeled IMPORTANT: “Take a multivitamin daily – if you are over 40, take a higher content “geriatric” capsule.” Geriatric? At 40?? Sigh.

Now, one of my problems with these kinds of diets is that I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of person, figuring that if something is good, going to that extreme is way better. So it is with diets, where I generally err on the side of eating too little, feel like crap, and don’t lose weight anyway thanks to my FUCKED UP METABOLISM AND FATSURLY. Oh wait, did I say that? Anyway.

But I’m determined to follow this to the letter. NO deviations, at all. This means that I need to learn to make something called Protein-PLUS Bread, Protein-PLUS Buns, or Protein-PLUS Cake. Though as far as I can tell, the only difference in the three is….I have no idea. They all have the exact same ingredients. Hmm.

I began this little experiment in high protein-low-carb-low-calorie yesterday, July 1st, and feel significantly slimmer already. I will continue to report back.


the infertile breeder said...

Ha! I like how that lady is weighing herself in a towel and heels. Clearly we have lost sight of true femininity since the 1950's.

Roadie in Vancouver said...

Brilliant. They were politically correct even then. Stout sounds better than fat, it even sounds virtuous, i.e. of stout character. So, expect to see a new category at Ironman races, Stout (it's gender neutral too)

Julie said...

LOL! Geriatric!!! Wow I didn't know! I'm glad no one told me before I started doing tri's!

Just found your blog and really enjoy it! Thanks for the laughs!