July 2nd - Day Two

I manage to haul myself out of bed – I mean, spring out of bed lightly and nimbly – at 5AM, to start my riding early for a change. But first, a yummy Stillman’s breakfast of coffee, scrambled eggs, and some strawberries. I’m pretty sure all that’s allowed.

Kona, as usual, helps me get ready.

As I’m getting my riding fuel ready, however, I discover the first problem with Stillmans, as it pertains to cycling. After all, even I’m not so stupid as to try and do a 4-5 hour ride on my (albeit considerable) charm and good looks. So according to the book, snacks are allowed, preferably all-protein: “Choose something as simple as a hard-cooked egg or leftover fish, chicken or meat, or a cup of bouillon, perhaps with bits of leftover fish, chicken or meat thrown in.”

Hmm. Somehow taking a bit of salmon on a bike ride in the blazing sun doesn’t sound too appealing. Bouillon? No. Now eggs, eggs I can do. Or not.

In the end, I stock up on the usual GU, but resolve to only have one an hour rather than 2. 100 calories an hour should be more than sufficient, especially as my body switches over to burning fat for fuel, turning me into an efficient machine. Or rather, more of a machine than I already am.

Soon enough I come across the usual asshat driver, who decides he’s going to pass Mr. Farmer in his pickup with blinkers on, toting a load of hay. Which is fine, pass all you want – umm, but maybe not on a blind curve in a no pass zone?? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people? I pull off the road as usual, and this doesn’t even phase me, but it’s nice to feel some solidarity with the farmer as I can see that he’s shaking his head as he drives past me. I’m sure he deals with asshat drivers even more than I do. Hey, this is still farm country, okay bub, Mr. I’m So Important and In a Hurry?

Anyway, I’m feeling good in spite of the wind, and after my turnaround point, I decide to stop in the little café in Garden Prairie to restock on water. But I feel bad just getting water, so I decide to hang out at the counter and have a soda. Oops, not on Stillmans. Cheating on my diet already, sigh. As I’m drinking my forbidden beverage, I watch tv, which is set to some local station, and they have a few people talking with the host about the local Brat Fest. It all sounds familiar – and then I realize that’s because it sounds like that Delicious Dish/NPR show on Saturday Night Live. To wit:

Guest: People ask me, how can you eat a brat for breakfast? And I say to them, how can you NOT eat a brat for breakfast?

Host: So tell me more about Take a Brat to Work Day…..

I escape.

Finally nearing home, I do my usual Mulberry Stop at the community garden. Though of course I start thinking, are these allowed on the Stillmans plan? Screw it, I think. “Why don’t you go on a 50-mile ride and then tell me whether or not berries are allowed on your fucking diet, Dr. Stillman”, I mutter to myself, munching on berries.

When I get home, I do look at the book to see if I did okay here on Day Two, and make a horrifying discovery which so defies explanation that I go through the book about 5 times to make sure I’m not missing something. It seems…….fruit, of all things…..is NOT allowed! What say? Is the good doctor a Communist or something?? I may have to rethink things a bit here. I mean, I know, it’s just 14 days (this is after all Dr. Stillman’s 14-Day Shape-Up Program – so I fully expect to be lean and svelte in a mere 14 days), but still, this is prime fruit season. What to do, what to do…..