Conversations with Cori

Or should I say, text messages. For I can say that just as The Cheese Stands Alone, so too does Cori, my fellow CancerChick, in her unwavering devotion to the Pinkishness. For the entire month of

Pinktober. I should know, because I had to keep deleting messages and pictures from my new POS cell phone, as it got full with one text after another. Which is a beautiful thing, in our little land of Pinktober.

It began thusly:

Cori: Pix won’t come out but just saw bubblewrap for the cure.

How appropriate – that Cori’s first text to me was about the eponymous bubblewrap, at that mecca of all things Pink, Walmart.

And so it went. Day after day after day.

Cori: At walmart - you can also get pancakes apples and even underwear for the cure.

Cori: In borders, coffee for the cure

Cori: Kind of pissed. I saw a sign that October is physical therapy month. Ahh, no, get out of my month.

Cori: Dollar section at Target. Platic visor. Notepad shaped like ribbon. Socks with ribbon. Post-its.

Cori: So today is my b-day. So far pink ribbon socks, tee shirt, birthday card and even pink ribbon diamond earrings. I think my family sits around thinking thank god she got cancer so I know what to get her

Cori: Saw a whole bakery case of pink donuts and cookies

Cori: Okay dan’s jouirnal said October is chiropractic awareness month. Oh, I don’t think so.

Once in a while I try to chime in with my own pathetic findings.

Me: Kitty litter for the cure!

Cori: Oh, like cats give a shit

Cori: Omg no way! Gum with pink ribbons on them!

Cori: Got you some, and 10% can save lives!

Cori: I saved like 10 lives.

Cori: Just ate two pieces of gum for the cure.

Cori: Digital sign at painters union – October is all about the pink. God damn right it is, mister.

Cori: No shit sister. They should call blackhawks.

Cori: No shit, walmart has a line of for the cure tee shirts. Like with a dove. Aren’t doves for death and funerals?

Cori: And they restocked the gum. they really care.

Cori: You know my new motto? If you aren’t with us, you’re against us.

And of course, there are pictures interspersed with all of this, as Cori diligently prowls the shops of Aurora with her camera.

Cori: Cupcakes and a chocolate cookie for the cure

Cori: And it doesn’t even promise money to anyone – just smacked on a pink ribbon

Cori: At walmart, and planning peter’s bday

Cori: Sorry, no spongebob cake for you, peter. Pink ribbon time.

Cori: Tried to convince Peter to not have a sponge bob cake for his birthday party. That we should buy up the whole line of cheery pink ribboned cupcakes and cakes at Walmart for his party. Little shit really doesn't care about the cure bc he wasn't having any of it.

Cori: Wouldn't even go for the giant chocolate chip cookie with the hot pink ribbon on it. Attractively displayed in the white walmart case.

Cori: I believe his exact words were 'I'm having a sponge bob party not a cancer party'.

Cori: See, we are dropping like flies. Why? Because no one cares.

Kids these days. Really, could they be any more selfish?

Cori: Just bought coffee at 7-11, cup for a cause. No shit – savings peeps and waking up all at once.

Me again, with the enfeebled bleatings:

Me: I just got a pink donut for the cure at the new deli/bake shop!

Cori: I suppose since that’s all your neighborhood has to offer. Not very for the cure, are they?? People will be dropping like flies.

Cori: They love us at Walmart – candy for the cure. (accompanied by picture of Dove chocolates For The Cure)

Cori: Okay, want to know what I fucking love? Bread company for the cure, right? So they have a picture of model with headscarf, supposed to be BC patient. Except she has fucking hair.

Cori: It’s like I hit the motherlode

Cori: Art supplies for kids for the cure.

Cori: Okay, so there is a guy from the Lions club shaking people down as they exit walmart. Seriously guy? We are trying to cure people here.

Cori: Omg I bought us the dove chocolates for next week, and get this!! There are inspirational messages inside the wrappers!

Cori: Okay, this is the iphone ipad breast cancer app. For 1.99 you can have pink ribbons on your ipad or iphone.

Cori: Combined with pink case. Now that is support, lol.

Cori: I am off to another store

Cori: Inspiration message – believe in yourself believe in your future.

Cori: Oh and ps, pudgy and kona are really leaving us high and dry.

Cori: What am I supposed to do with an inspirational message that’s in Spanish?

(Cori sends picture of an “All About Pink” decorated cake at Walmart. And then another cake, which says “In celebration of:..” where you then write someone’s name on it. Does Komen know that Walmart is using their Special Patented Pink Ribbon on their cakes??)

Cori: Okay, so I was at outlet mall and it was pinked out including balloons, pink shirts in all the windows. Oh, Aurora wants the cure.

Cori: Greeting card…pink bra on it….I am with you every step of the way.

Cori: Just was given pink umbrella for the cure!

More texts about all the Pinkishness in Aurora. And then…THEN….the coup de grâce:

Cori: Michigan is for the cure. Starbucks has ribbon bagel and cookie.

WHAT???? MICHIGAN has not only all the Pinkishness via the Detroit Red Wings’ Fuck Cancer game, but now Starbucks is in on it too? Et tu, Starbucks, et tu? This is almost too much to bear.

And clearly, if Cori hadn’t already won for her Caring Pears, well……..

A beautiful world of Pinkishness

Okay, so Miss Tasha needs to take a break from a) her migraine, b) her work, and c) her clusterfuck of a life in general, and so we've decided it's time to post the Hall of Fame final entrants, and the WINNER in this category! And no, Miss Tasha has no idea why she's suddenly speaking in the third person, but let's blame it on The Cancer, shall we? And why not? It's fucked up her life in every other way, so it might as well take the mea culpa on this as well.

Anyway! Here we go. And let's note here that I am not against all Pinkishness, though it probably seems that way. I like the pink stuff friends give me, because it shows that they're trying. Some of the Pinkishness like little Harmoneeeeeee, well, they're just too cute for words. And I like The Pink as kind of an identifier, that helps me find my sisters at a glance. Yes, we're in the club no one wants to join, but as long as here, we might as well make it a bit more of a par-tay, shall we? We shall.

It's just the ridiculous Pink stuff that pisses me off, and organizations like Komen that had their purpose at one point, but seem to have since jumped the shark. In part because they only donate 23% of their winnings...I mean donations, to research. No wonder there's no fucking cure yet.

But here, to sooth our souls today, the beauty of Pink, and I dedicate this to the Sisterhood. You're a strong, crazy, amazing bunch of women, and I'm proud to know you.

1. Jerusalem


Kind of makes you feel like the Big Guy is watching out for us, huh?

2. The Chicago Wolves


Compared to the Chicago Blackhawks, the Wolves went all out for their Pinktober games - note use of the word gameS, not just one game. All sorts of Pinkishness going on there, from selling this cool t-shirt and pink pucks, to having the players wear some kind of pink. I think I have a new favorite hockey team.

3. Pink ribbon adhesive dispenser


I like this because I can think of SO many uses for it. To begin, taping the mouths shut of the Komen people when they start their asinine "I am the Cure!" chant? Yeah, let's start there.

4. Tripler Hospital, by GhiaGirl


This is cool looking in general, but the history of the building is also really neat:

"The origins of Tripler date back to 1907 when several wooden structures at Fort Shafter were used as a hospital. The facility was named in honor of Brevet Brigadier General Charles Stuart Tripler in 1920 as a reminder of his contributions to Army medicine during the Civil War......Plans for the new Tripler were drawn in 1942 and construction was completed in 1948. The architecturally distinctive coral pink structure atop Moanalua Ridge was dedicated on September 10, 1948 and has been a familiar landmark on the south shore of Oahu ever since."

5. Wheel stickers, by Original PV

PV is definitely The Man when it comes to finding the unusual. Now, of course I wouldn't actually think of buying these:


..but not because I'm too cool. Nope, it's because they're so damn expensive. Oh well. And it's too bad they don't say "F*ck Cancer" instead of "Cancer Sucks", but they're still kind of neat.

6. A submission from Alaska representing both Alaska and mother nature, by Dee Huebner (no relation, but she feels like a sister to me)

A pink fungus!



Or as Dee puts it:

"Clavaria rosea, a rare wild edible fungus which is found in Europe and North America. For some reason it has appeared in the Anchorage area lately but has been known to "disappear" for 30 years! There is some debate whether it's a true Alaskan fungus, but we definitely have a large selection of some of the weirdest looking mushrooms up here. And it looks like a pink ribbon (at least to me!)"

Beautiful.

7. The Pink Ribbon Tulip garden, by tigerchik








Tigerchik's been doing an amazing job of taking pics all over her campus, of Pinkishness at every turn. Here! There! More there! And in her wily way, she stumbled upon one of the ways to Miss Tasha's heart - well, in addition to the obvious one, of sending free stuff. And that is to focus on something near and dear to my heart, like gardening.

We're not quite sure what the pink bra is doing hanging in a nearby tree, but it's a nice touch. I'm hoping that pictures of the pink tulips in spring will also be forthcoming.

8. Pitties For The cure, by Robyn


These are just too cute for words. And pitties are my favorite dog after Dobes, so here we go.

* * * * * * * *

Which brings us to our winner in the Hall of Fame category........one that handily encompasses almost everything that I'm about: triathlon, dogs, BC, and I'm thinking she probably gardens as well.

This one is also submitted by Dee:


"Dee Dee Jonrowe, musher, BC survivor, Iditarod racer and triathlete (she did IM Kona in 2006). Check out those stylish pink accessories on the dogs."

Stylish indeed - I love this picture. Dee H., congrats, and let me know what color hat you want!

So to sum up our hat awards thus far:

Hall of Fame: Dee H.
Hall of Shame: Original PV
Hall of WTF: Cori
Best surreptitious photos of WTF stuff: T-Odd
Best understanding of the concept that I like free stuff: Jennifer P.
Best gardening-related Pinkishness: tigerchik

Grand Prize Winner: ??? (coming soon)

For shame...

Whee, it's true, we're almost at the end! All will be revealed! Alert the media! Stop the presses!

Okay, obviously the Pinkishness has infected my brain - but you'd feel the same way if you'd been inundated with an endless supply of Pinkola for an entire month. Not that I'm complaining, no sirree - this has certainly been an illuminating endeavor, in so many ways. And the thought of all these Faithful Readers across the U.S. taking pictures of Pinkishness left and right, why, it just warms my heart. You could even say I'm tickled pink.

So, our final two Hall of Shame entrants - and the winner in this category is announced! But first:

1. The Chicago Blackhawks

Yes, the Blackhawks. Why? Well, we all know that The Girls and I (and Don, but he's an Honorary Girl) went to the Hockey Fights Cancer Awareness game recently. And that'll get a separate post all its own, just to show how we owned that rink, oh yes we did. It was a beautiful thing. We had the most awesome time, really and truly.

But that was no thanks to the Blackhawks and their total lack of effort on behalf of, oh, say, CANCER? Especially compared to what other teams did.

The Blackhawks:

- Had a guy battling neuroblastoma drop the puck - this was cool

- Had pretty much nothing else going on. No pink tape. No pink anywhere. It was apparently a BYOP night.

But what really bothers me is that they lied about what they were going to do. To wit:

(according to their website)

"The Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks, in conjunction with the National Hockey League’s month-long initiative, will host “Hockey Fights Cancer Awareness Night” at the United Center on Wednesday, October 20, when the team takes on the Vancouver Canucks. ....during the game, the Blackhawks Better Halves will be selling pucks signed by a mystery player with proceeds going to the Vera Bradley Foundation, while cancer patients and survivors will be riding the Zamboni and participating in the second intermission shoot the puck contest...."

Yes, they claimed that for The Kid, The Geek, The Bimbo, they'd have cancer survivivors. They did not. How do I know? Because this is marketing for them, after all, and I'm sure that if they did, they would have made mention of it on the Jumbotron, or in the announcing, like they did with the guy who dropped the puck. Nope.

Now, this is insulting because seriously, if me or my busty CancerChick friends wouldn't make the best of flowing-haired big-bosomed bimbos like what they had that night, then you tell me who would! Hmph.

The final insult is reading what the Hated Detroit Red Wings did. Here we go, and I warn you ahead of time, it's long (and I've bolded certain key parts):

* * * * * * *

Think Pink

Thursday is Breast Cancer Awareness night at JLA

DETROIT -- The Red Wings will host their fourth annual Breast Cancer Awareness Night this Thursday, October 21, when the Wings take on the Calgary Flames at 7:30 p.m. EDT as part of the National Hockey League’s Hockey Fights Cancer month. When the doors open at 6:30 p.m., the Joe Louis Arena concourse will be home to a variety of activities, including a silent auction, goal puck draw, 50/50 raffle and a special sale of pink winter knit hats with all proceeds benefitting the Liggett Breast Center in Grosse Pointe Woods, Mich. The funds raised will help alleviate the costs of breast cancer treatment for uninsured and underinsured women in the Metro Detroit area.

Fans who wear pink to the game will be entered to win a 2010-11 team-signed jersey by picking up a raffle ticket on the concourse behind Section 126. There fans can also participate in the goal puck draw or bid on one of 29 unique Red Wings autographed items. For $40, fans will have a chance to draw from an assortment of 100 goal pucks from the past few seasons, including pucks from the 2008 and 2009 Stanley Cup Finals. Each puck will be signed by a Red Wings player and wrapped to conceal the autograph. The fan who unwraps the puck signed in gold by Johan Franzen will meet a select Red Wings player after the game.

Players will wrap their sticks with pink hockey tape and Jimmy Howard’s glove and blocker will even be pink where it’s usually red for use during the pregame warm-ups. These items will then be autographed and auctioned off in the concourse in addition to purple Hockey Fights Cancer ties worn and autographed by Red Wings broadcasters, coaching staff and management. Other exclusive auction items include a 2010-11 team-signed pink and white Wings jersey, a one-of-a-kind Steve Yzerman jersey retirement ceremony package and game-used and autographed Tomas Holmstrom gloves and helmet. Other BCA Night activities include:

• Fans can also help the Red Wings provide encouragement to breast cancer patients currently receiving treatment by signing a banner and writing a message of support for breast cancer patients. The team-signed banner will be presented at the Liggett Breast Center on Monday, Oct. 25, and hung in their chemotherapy treatment room.
• Fans can purchase pink winter knit hats with the Winged Wheel logo embroidered on the front for $20 at both the West and East Gate entrances on the concourse level. Breast Cancer Awareness pins will be available at merchandise stands throughout the concourse for $5.
• The Red Wings will honor those affected by breast cancer by hosting 40 survivors in a suite, 20 military veterans who are also breast cancer survivors in the Quicken Loans Budd Lynch Military Suite and around 100 breast cancer survivors and patients in the stands."

* * * * * * *
The shame of it all, trumped by the Hated Red Wings. *Sob.*

* * * * * * *

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for - the winner of the Hall of Shame, who will be getting his very own Fuck Cancer hat!

The Pink Ribbon Vibrator, submitted by Original PV


Yep, a vibrator. A motherfucking vibrator. With an idiotic pink ribbon. In case you have any doubts as to why this is so damn wrong and insulting, it's because of this - the fact that younger women who have BC find themselves having to deal with a whole host of sexual problems. Not that older women don't, but we're supposed to be in some kind of sexual prime years here, and instead? We're dealing with scars and surgeries and looking and feeling like crap from both of those - especially when they're lopping off our boobs, as in, a key sexual organ.

But that's not all! Because many of these treatments have the added benefit of making sex tough to bear, not just emotionally but physically. Yep, side effects from Tamoxifen and other drugs include all sorts of things that make sex unpleasant, from disappearing libido to vaginal dryness - which is why not a day goes by that someone on YSC doesn't post something along the lines of "Help, what do I do, I don't want to have sex anymore!" Leading to all kinds of relationship problems, as I'm sure you can imagine.

So this little gizmo, to me, it's as if it's saying "Here you go! Let Cancer fuck you all over again!" With the underlying note of, "because you sure aint' gettin' it anywhere else."

Fuck you, you stupid little sex toy with your insulting pink ribbon. Some of us would be more than happy to tell you exactly where you can shove that thing.

Boo!

The internet can be a beautiful thing. Oh sure, sometimes it doesn’t seem that way, when we’re all subjected to the hatred-filled rantings of a POS like Clint McCance, the school board Trustee who wrote horrible things about gay people (and students in particular) on his Facebook page.

But you know, back in the olden days, a POS like that would go on his way unscathed, content in his bigoted spewings, making the lives of gay kids miserable if ever he had the chance.

However, now we’re in a bright and shiny new era, where any crap like that that you write on FB? Yeah, it gets forwarded and reposted until the next thing you know, there’s a 70,000 person strong Fire Clint McCance page on FB, and then your sorry ass is on Anderson Cooper, where you’re skewered like you deserve, and you find yourself resigning, though thanks to Google, your name will always be in the public memory bank. Thank you Google.

But where was I? Oh yeah. The internets. Anyway, my point being that in the process of the Pinkapalooza contest, I wound up with a winning entry submitted by Original PV on Slowtwitch – an entry that’ll be revealed over the next couple of days. But I also wound up corresponding with a really cool guy, who’s dealt enough with the fucking cancer with his family and friends, and who I’m proud to call a friend.

Especially since he carved this, just for me:

Happy Halloween, Ryan! And I’m sending a hearty “Fuck Cancer!” to your grandmother and your roommate’s mom as well. When I meet up with my CancerChick friends in Philly in a couple of weeks for a conference, we’ll be raising a hearty toast to both of them, and to you and all those who love them…..

Doubling down on the Pinkishness

Last night “Stan” (aka Keith, but he likes to remain anonymous) and I go to dinner downtown, to celebrate Pinktober, the fact that I made it back alive from the Alps, and my general awesomeness. As we’re heading down, I keep pointing out the buildings that are lit up in pink, all in honor of, well, me. ME! Me me me me me! Now, I’m used to that kind of adoration, but still, it’s nice to see.

Of course, as soon as we sit down at the lovely Tavern on the Green or Grill on the Park or whatever the name of the restaurant was (Tavern at the Park, that’s it!), I set about making my presence known, as it were. I know how much the “little people” enjoy this, having the chance to interact with someone of my stature.

Waiter: Can I start you off wi….

Me: My good man! What do you have in the way of pink drinks? Something fruity, sweet but not too sweet, but definitely pink.

Stan: Bu….

Waiter: We have a list of cocktails here on the menu. Pink Panties, The Schooner, Alison’s Cancer….

We both gape at him.

Stan: WHAT was that last drink?

Waiter: Alison’s Answer.

Stan and I, in unison: Ahaaaaaaaaa…….

Me: But how pink are they?

Waiter: Hmm, how pink do you want? Like, really really pink?

Stan: I thi…..

Me: Well, pinkish at least. It doesn’t have to be super pink. But definitely pinkish. I don’t want to annoy the bartender.

(Too late, Stan is thinking.)

Waiter, gamely: And how sweet?

Me: Kind of mai tai sweet – so I’d say in between.

Waiter: Okay, I’ll see what he can come up with. And for you sir?

Stan: Scotch on the rocks. Heavy on the scotch. Maybe you should just bring the bottle out.

Hmm. I don’t know what it is about my presence that seems to drive people to drink, but I have a feeling it has to do with the pressure of being seen with a goddess such as myself. Not much I can do about that though. Shrug.

Anyway, soon enough I get my lovely pink cocktail, and Keith – I mean Stan – and I drink to, well, me.

I then continue to hold this establishment to my own exacting standards. After all, if I don’t, who will?

Me: So, this “heirloom tomato salad” you have on the menu. What kind of tomatoes are in that?

Waiter: What kind? You mean what color?

Me: Color, variety, and so on….

Stan: Oh boy…..

Waiter: Umm…..yellow ones? Round? Are there specific names other than just “heirloom”?

We then have a lengthy discussion about all the different kinds of heirloom tomato varieties, and he eventually goes trotting off to the chef to find out about the tomatoes in the salad. For some reason Stan keeps disappearing from the table, to check his work emails or calls or something like that. I get that a lot too. Hmm.

After I get the scoop on the tomatoes (varieties Watermelon, Pineapple, and some type of Zebra), I mention to our waiter that we’re celebrating the Pinkishness, and point out the football players wearing all the pink on the game that’s on the tvs over the bar.

Waiter: Oh yeah, I saw that yesterday and couldn’t figure out why they were wearing pink. It was kind of weird.

Me, aghast: But, it’s Pinktober!

Waiter: I had no idea.

Could it be, I thought? Could it actually be that there are people out there who walk into stores and see what looks like an explosion of Pepto Bismol, and just think that pink is the Hot New Fall Color?

And then, like a beacon of light burrowing its way to my cold and cynical heart, it occurs to me that I’ve been completely selfish in how I’ve viewed Pinktober and all its excesses. Yes, I’ve made it all about me me me me me, just because I have cancer and all. Yet isn’t it really about our collective awareness, our empathy, our embracing of all things pink and what they symbolize, namely the fight to eke out a bit of humanity as we all struggle together to overcome our limitations as God’s people?

Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

But it did occur to me that it would be fun to have a contest of sorts – meaning, since everyone is already pointing out to me the most ridiculous or outrageous Pink objects they’re coming across, that sort of diligence and dedication should be rewarded. So, I now proclaim the start of Pinkapalooza! That’ll be the short name for the Best of the Pinkishness Contest that we’ll have here. Send me your links, your pictures, your sightings! The sender of the “best” pink item (as defined by whatever makes me laugh the hardest) will receive my usual go-to prize: your very own Fuck Cancer hat! Okay, okay, so it’s not original, but winter’s coming upon us, so what could be more practical than your own stylish FC hat? Not much, kids, not much.

Next up: the front-runners thus far……

Another placeholder post

Okay, so I know I have to catch up on things here, what with my story on The Day Tasha Almost Got Herself Arrested at the Federal Building, to my update on Whereupon Tasha Almost Got Mowed Down By a Runaway Pickup Truck in the Bucolic Town of Eagle, WI. Suffice it to say that I believe there's a proverbial key to the city being made for me as we speak. So there's all that.

And I know everyone here in this great Blogosphere of ours is waiting with bated breath to find out who the winner was in my first-ever brain tumor poll. Of course, in conducting this poll I used the finest research methodologies as taught to me at Wharton, excellent institution that it is. So that means I plotted out the variables, calculated the R-squared, looked for the resultant patterns - though I must say, everything wanted to default to the dreaded "swarm of bees" configuration. Then, I put everyone's names on a slip of paper, all the people who had told me they voted and my blog followers, and I just reached into a hat and picked one at random. Of course the hat in question was the Fuck Cancer hat, so that made it especially scientific. Yes, this is the kind of academic rigor I'm known for, folks. An inspiration to many.

In any case, it turns out that my winner was none other than.....Miz Laura! Who I immediately called with the good news, and even though it was 3AM, I could tell by the jubilation in her voice just how excited she was:

Laura: "Huh? What? Who? Who the hell are you again?"

Ah yes, the typical confusion under such circumstances, of those who can scarcely believe their good fortune.

So what with that done and with Laura soon to be receiving her very own Fuck Cancer hat, my epicly long blog posts will return, but in the meantime, I present you this, which pretty well sums up exactly what I myself say when anyone around me dares to utter the words "Joe Lieberman"......