Monday, March 23, 2009

The gods' version of humor

A post about last week’s most excellent Team in Bacon event will be forthcoming.....but first, because I know how so many people (Swimfan) like to emulate me and my every move, I feel compelled to impart some information on dieting.

So in a quest to get down to fighting weight, or a weight that doesn’t require a muumuu, I recently embarked on a VLCD, or Very Low Calorie Diet. Meaning that for about a week and a half or so, I ate on average oh, about 300 calories or less a day. Just fish and vegetables. No, not the healthiest methodology, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Because not only do I have the metabolism of a sedated slug, but the drugs I’m on (FatSurly, aka Tamoxifen) are known to put on weight and make it impossible to lose. So I was determined. And can we guess, gentle reader (s), how much weight I lost in this time frame? Anyone? Okay, enough guessing. The answer is:

Not. One. Fucking. Pound.

Yes, it’s true. It’s a small miracle the scale did NOT wind up being heaved out the window, but then I wouldn’t have had anything to kick around the room. I’m expecting a call from the military at any moment, as I believe they want to study me to see how a person can subsist on essentially NO food and have NO weight loss. As an aside, I’d like to note that anyone who dares to tell me anything at all along the lines of “losing weight is easy – it’s all about calories in, calories out” – will be beaten (to death, mind you) with a frozen ham. No exceptions.

And to add insult to injury – there I was procrastinating, envisioning a lifetime of muumuu garb, so I decided to check out the young survivors’ website and discussion board. Be among my people, so to speak. There, the VERY FIRST POST I saw had the heading of “Tamoxibelly?”, where someone was wondering if she was the only who, no matter how much she weighed, had a stomach that made her look 6 months pregnant. And there was an entire chorus of “me toos.” WTH? So you’re saying that no matter if I lose weight, I’ll still look like crap? Who the hell comes up with this stuff??

I have to admit, I did have one brief moment where I thought, fuck it, I’ll just stop taking my medicine. But there are heights of stupidity that even I cannot scale, so I discarded that idea. So it’s on to Plan B: the BLD, or Biggest Loser Diet. I have done some research, and discovered that the people who go on this show work out 4-6 hours each day and eat nothing but twigs. Or something very close to it. Onward then. I will be sure to report back on my progress.

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