Turning over a new leaf

It has come to my attention that Deanna does NOT like the fame and attention that has come her way due to being written about in my blog and thus developing a fan base to rival my own. To accede to her wishes to sink back into the grey world of anonymity, therefore, I will no longer be writing about her here. At all. So there will be no telling Deanna and all the world what a great friend she is, as she organizes Team in Bacon events, is totally supportive, and in general puts up with my shit on a regular basis – no publicly congratulating her on how great her training is going and giving her a virtual high-five for her amazing half-marathon time with an average of 8:30/minute miles – no speaking of her brilliance in coining the word “baconnoisseur” – and of course no helping her in her quest for undying love by drawing attention to her obsessive devotion to Drew Peterson. Nope, none of that. This I resolve here and now, from this day forth.

Much as with the trials that faced Job, however, I am tested on this resolve almost immediately, as I meet up with Deanna at a birthday party for Jillian.

I make my way through the party meeting my fans, though oddly some people seem a bit unaware of the kind of celebrity they have in their midst. Case in point, Mark, Jillian’s boyfriend.

Mark: Hey Tasha, come meet my sister Esther! Esther, this is Tasha.
Esther: Hey, nice to meet you.
Me: You too. And in case it wasn’t immediately obvious from my finely honed physique, I’m one of Jillian’s triathlon friends.

Just at that moment, both Mark and Esther seem to suffer an attack that manifests itself in what sounds like really loud laughter, but is clearly more of a fit of some sort. Odd. As Mark and Esther are still bent over by paroxysms of this strange guffawing, I wander back to where Deanna is sitting and chatting with Kimberly, to join in the conversation while holding to my goal of not letting Deanna give me material to work with. I am determined.

Deanna: ....so then after my 50-mile race in April, I have to think about what I want to conquer next. Jillian’s now in my age group, so in order to beat her I might have to give up my vow to never do races that other Tri-Clubbers do. That whole competition thing, you know.
Kim: You’re doing IMMOO again this year, aren’t you?
Deanna: Yes, and that’s the hardest bike course there is, but now that I don’t have that heart thing to deal with I’m sure that my tiny and wee self will power up those hills as usual. Tasha, what are you mumbling about?
Me, muttering under my breath: ...be strong, be strong, be strong, oh fuck it.....now wait a minute, hardest course? I thought IM Canada and Spud were the hardest? Don’t they have something like multiple 20% grades?
Deanna: Canada and Spud have climbs that go on for an hour or two, which would be perfect for my tiny self, but MOO has all those rollers, which are clearly a LOT harder since you can’t really get into a rhythm even though you can basically coast your way up them.
Me: So because MOO is the one you’re doing that means it’s harder?
Deanna: Well, yes. But I’m sure you’ll be fine on your little Spud course. Even though you’re not doing any training. But who needs training with a course that easy?
Me, gritting my teeth, speaking patiently as if to a very small child: I DO train – I’m just not working out at the moment. But that’s only because I’m closely following my very stringent 13 weeks to a 13-hour Ironman training plan.
Deanna: That makes no sense – I think you’ve spent too much time talking to BCBS.
Me: It makes perfect sense. I’m strictly training, but just holding myself back right now so that I follow the 13-week plan to the letter. God forbid I should deviate from the plan – I’m much too disciplined for that. And I have another week to go until it’s 13 weeks to my Ironman.
Kimberly, wisely: That makes perfect sense to me.
Deanna: But...but......what about swimming? Have you even been NEAR a pool lately?
Me: I refuse to stuff my lumpen, deformed self into a bathing suit. Though I’m thinking of showing up wearing my wetsuit – that might work.
Deanna: Oh, just suck it up. Wear a t-shirt.
Me, whipping my head in Kimberly’s direction: You SEE how it is? She taunts me by handing me such great material! Is that even fair??!
Kimberly, shaking her head sadly: For some people, it’s all about picking on the person with cancer.
Me: That’s right, pick on CancerChick everyone, go ahead.
Deanna: I am not picking on her! She doesn’t have cancer!
Me: Yes I do. Just because they removed the lump doesn’t mean I don’t have cancer cells teeming through my bloodstream.
Deanna: Fine then – I have a heart condition!
Me: No you don’t. They fixed that.
Deanna: I have a heart condition like you have cancer!
Me: You have a bad heart teeming through your bloodstream?
Deanna: Yes! I mean, no! I mean, my heart could explode at any moment!
Me: You have an exploding heart in your bloodstream?
Deanna: ....muttermuttermuttermuttermumblemutter......
Me, to Kimberly: Have you noticed how....tense, Deanna seems lately? Perhaps she needs to relax more? Maybe go for a run once in a while, burn off some frustration.
Kimberly, nodding sagely: I so agree.