as seemingly unencumbered by material goods such as myself, will automatically scorn their magnanimous offers of free stuff and other bounty that they hope to heap on me. Little do they know that I’m all about the free stuff, or schwag. In fact, my entire racing seasons are built around the principle of the SMP, or the Schwag Maximization Plan. Take heed of the little secret I’m about to impart to you, dear reader, which is that if a race gives out good schwag and you go pick up that stuff the day before the race........well then, you don’t even have to show up on race day. You’re already a winner! Sometimes, this comes in handy.But, to the matter at hand. In order to move things along a bit, help all these eager companies overcome their shyness, I’ve decided to make the first move by contacting the company that makes a product near and dear to my heart: Slim Jims. By giving Conagra a chance to lock down the “meaty goodness” category, I’m sure I’ll spark a wave of supplicants from other companies hoping to get in on the ground floor, while they still can. Here, so you can see how it’s done, is my letter, sent directly to a fellow Wharton alum working for Conagra rather than going through the corporate website. Hey, that MBA has to do me SOME good, right?
Dear Chris:
You may have already heard of my little blog, one that is quickly becoming a “cause célèbre" among the triathlon community: http://thethighmasterroutetokona.blogspot.com. Now, as a fellow Wharton alumnus (WG ’98), I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what an important niche target market triathletes are for the entire Slim Jim roster of products. And, because I’m such a fan of your products, I thought I would tell you a little bit about what Slim Jims mean to me, in order to explain why I’d like to discuss our coming to some kind of agreement that could be mutually beneficial to both Conagra/Slim Jim and myself.
My love of Slim Jims began as a child, but as we grow older, we tend to forget about the simple
pleasures in life in order to focus on other things. However, since I’ve taken up triathloning and have found myself traversing the U.S. in an endless quest for racing glory, I’ve also found myself in a lot of gas stations. Where no matter what, there are always some Slim Jims handy, right at the counter. Thus, in typical Pavlovian fashion, I initially got into the habit of picking up Slim Jims during my travels – but soon found I couldn’t be without them while training in general. From there, it was a short step to being on some endless ride and discovering that all I had on my bike or person was a Slim Jim tucked away in my bike bag, and feeling endlessly grateful because of it. I can’t tell you how disgusted a person gets with YET ANOTHER gu or gel after oh, about the 4th hour on the bike. And biking across Wisconsin and other agrarian states, as I’m known to do, one can’t generally count on being able to stop at, say, a Big Boy and picking up a cheeseburger or other race fuel of choice.Flash forward to today. Okay, maybe not TODAY today, but in general, “these days.” Yes, I feel I must take credit for the surge of sales that I’m sure has taken place here in the Midwest, as my legions of fan(s) have heard about my path to triathlon greatness, fueled by Slim Jims. Hence, I’ve learned to be prepared at all times while training or racing, and this includes a bounty of Slim Jims, particularly after my discovery that the small ones are the absolutely perfect size for a Bento Box. Who knew? Apparently the marketing/product geniuses at the Slim Jim factory, that’s who.
I also wish I could convey to you the joy, the rapture I felt as I was dashing to my bike after my epic swim at Ironman Wisconsin, and saw those wonderful Slim Jims sticking out of my Bento Box! Yes, knowing my fondness for these deliciously salty snacks (aka “food of the gods”), friend and IMOO volunteer Angela had snuck over to my bike and added a few......not realizing that I already had my own stash tucked away for later. But really, who can’t use a few more Slim Jims while doing an Ironman – or while on any long ride or run, for that matter?
So, now that I’ve sparked a fanatical devotion towards these wonderful spicy meat snacks among members of my own Chicago Tri Club, I’ve decided it was time to take that next step and contact you, the corporate conglomerate itself, to see if perhaps you’d like to take your product to the next level and give it the recognition and acclaim it deserves. I assure you, this kind of offer does not come along every day, and the potential exposure to a sought-after demographic via my blog is the opportunity of a lifetime.In return for this kind of marketing nirvana, all I am looking for is a steady supply of Slim Jims to incorporate into my training/fueling plan, as well as the go-ahead to put the Slim Jim logo of excellence on my blog – and to perhaps make a shirt that says “Body by Slim Jims.” As I bike across Wisconsin....and Missouri.....and Minnesota....I would wear this shirt proudly, and as such be a roving beacon of truth who brings the power of Slim Jims to “the little people,” as I like to call them. And if anyone asks about the Slim Jim “special ingredient” of mechanically separated chicken pieces parts that I’m sure your august company is tired of being asked about, why, I’ll just feign innocence, as I’m known to do on a regular basis when confronted with something unworthy of my attention.
Now, I’m not saying you absolutely HAVE to sponsor me of course – that would be churlish – but as a cautionary note, I’d like to note that last year I wrote to our little hometown favorite company Jays, extolling the virtues of their “Oke-Doke Puff Cheezlet” and suggesting a
sponsorship might be in order. I did not hear back from them, not a word, and what happened shortly thereafter? Yep, you guessed it: bankruptcy. Is there a connection? Well, that’s for you smart corporate folks to decide, but these days I see a heck of a lot more Wise Cheez Doodles flying off the shelves – and not just into my own shopping cart, either.I look forward to your response, and I thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.
Best regards,
Tasha Huebner
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There you have it. As to how long it takes before my humble entreaty is acknowledged, let the countdown begin.......
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