Waiting for Sálome

I go to my Saturday afternoon VQ class, and of course everyone wonders where Sálome is. I’m forced to tell them my tale of woe, that she is in the shop, or the hospital as I like to think of it, but in the capable hands of YCBG Matt. Well, and his minions, but I assume they’ll just observe the master at work. Perhaps bring him a sponge or other bike doohickey as necessary. I tell them about The Tragedy, but without going into great detail, as just the very thought of a blemish on a Shiny New Bike is already enough to make several people blanch and turn away. Though, there did seem to be universal agreement that one would not willingly or knowingly leave ugly clear stickers on an SNB, so as to mar its smooth shiny perfection.

After class, in which I sucked as always, conversation proceeded as usual:

Bridget: "Every time Heather mentioned 'crazy people hearing voices in their head', I thought of you!"
Colleen: "Nice Cat 5 marks on your leg."
Brett: "So it wasn’t just D-POD – you really do just have shitty luck."
Chad, who's doing his first IM this year: "What was your Ironman bike time last year? ‘Cause you seem kind of slow."
Karin L., squinting at me through her eye patch: “Whiiiiiiiine, I want a pretty shiny new bike TOO...”
Ruth: "Tasha, what are you doing on the floor?"

Ah, it’s good to be loved. I know that if someday these same people were to start throwing compliments at me (“Nice bike skills there Tasha!” “Hey, you look exceptionally sporty today!”), my first response would be immediate and almost paranoid suspicion, as I think “hey, what have you done with my friends?”, and then I’d start puzzling over what fatal disease I have that everyone else knows about except me.

To Ruth’s question, I don’t think it was unusual or unexpected that immediately after class, I went around the room and checked out everyone’s bikes, as well as all the VQ bikes on the racks – probably about 50 in all. What, like you wouldn’t have done the same, looking for those bastard telltale stickers? As I did so, my suspicions were confirmed rather quickly.

Me: "Aha! See! I rest my case!"
Bridget: "Umm....what case would that be?"
Me: "NOT ONE BIKE has an evil clear sticker on it, beschmutzifying everything up!"
Bridget: "Beschmu.....never mind. And that means......? That the Felt guy was wrong?"
Me: "No, of course not. It means that I’m not the only dumbass out there! We cyclists and triathletes as a demographic are a veritable sea of dumbasses! Could the good people at Felt not have anticipated this? Who do they think they’re selling to anyway? Maybe I should call them to see if they need someone like me on their staff, the marketing guru with an MBA from Wharton. I am between jobs, as they say........hey, Bridget, are you choking on something?"

As for Karin, I’m forced to explain to her that she cannot have a new bike until she’s suffered greatly with her current one: throwing it into a tar pit in a fit of despair, getting banned from several states for overly loud profanity directed at said bike, continually composing bad haiku that all revolves around evilness of.....well, you get the picture. It is only then that one truly appreciates the perfection of a new bike, doing even the simplest of things. Like shifting! And a thing of beauty it is, too, that whole shifting thing. I still swoon every time I change gears.

I must also remark on something remarkable that happened at class. Yes, I’m talking about Siobhan and her beautiful new bike, the Scott Plasma Contessa. She brings it to class for all to admire, and get this, not only does she NOT surround Pink Beauty with little orange cones immediately, but then, she actually lets me TOUCH her. And even pick her up, to see how light she is! I am almost speechless. And after class I ask Siobhan if she wants me to run outside and clear the sidewalk for her as she’s leaving, but she responds with a smile and a jaunty “No, that’s okay! I can handle it!” Really, folks, have you ever heard of such a thing, such bravery? Again, I am in awe – such insouciance should not go unrecognized. Siobhan......you are my hero.