Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The foobage awaits!

Note: for those not hep with all the BC lingo, foobs = fake boobs

So I had put off going to see the PS, I think because I was subconsciously afraid of hearing what he’d have to say. My skin is fucked up and weird after radiation treatment – which is typical – and that tends to screw up reconstruction or make it tough to do well. Plus I tend to be kind of shy, so I wasn’t sure how to broach the fact that not only did I need the reconstruction bit, but I was also hoping for a bit of....augmentation, shall we say.

I go to see Dr. Fine, and as I’m looking through their book of photos of his past work, he comes in. Looks at the chest. Starts talking.

Dr. Fine: Okay, so what we can do is....

This just won’t do, I think.

Me, interrupting, but determined: I was hoping for an upgrade.

To his extreme credit, Dr. F. just rolls with that, switches gears without hesitation, and we start talking implants. Now, not that I want to get crazy or anything, but a C cup would be nice. I mean, I never would have chosen to have a boob job, but since I need to have surgery anyway, what the hell? That’s basically what I tell him.

Me: I figure after going through all this crap, I might as well get perky, bigger boobs out of it.

He’s totally with me on that. Whew! All that worry for nothing. And we’ll take care of that whole nipple (fipple?) thing while we’re at it. The only bad thing is that he doesn’t have any surgery openings until....January! Argh! At first I’m a bit horrified at this, that I’ll have to wait that long, but then I realize that it’ll still be the dead of winter, so what difference does it make if I have the surgery then? I briefly thought of the fact that my deductible would reset in January, but then laughed – what does it matter these days, when I hit that within the first couple months of the year anyway?

So, January it is.

And, for those who want more information on what exactly the new foobage entails, continue reading. For some people, this may be TMI.

Okay, so, first we talk implants. Dr. F tells me I should fill up a plastic bag with a measured amount of flour and then see how much it takes to fill up a C cup so that we know what size implants to use. Be sure to look for future updates on the merry adventures of Me and My Foob as we go bra shopping at, say, Nordstrom’s together.

Then it’s time to cut to the chase. The nipple thing, or lack thereof.

Dr. F: Well, if you want the best shape, then we’d have to do a lat flap, where we take skin and some muscle from the back. And you’d have a scar there.
Me: And if we didn’t do that?
Dr. F: Then I’d just create the nipple from the skin you have now, and it would still be the shape it is now.
Me: So you mean like an Appalachian mountain that’s had the top sheared off.
Dr. F: Exactly.
Me: That won’t do.
Dr. F: The scar is a deterrent for a lot of people...
Me: I’m not too concerned about my back, as long as the front looks good. And a perky but flat boob won’t do it.

So yes, between Appalachian Mountain Boob and Scar on Back, I’ve chosen to go with option 2 on the menu, where they’ll use some of that muscle to fluff up the boob, and the skin to create the fipple. That requires a night or two in the hospital and something like a 6-hour surgery, and yes, I’m not too excited about the fact that I’ll have more scars. And will need tattooing for the nipple area, which is all purely for aesthetic reasons since I probably won’t have any feeling in that boob anyway. But hey, at least I’ll have the Rack, so that’s something, right? Sigh. Suckage.


Roadie in Vancouver said...

Since you're getting a tattooing as you put it, why not get the MDot there as well? Ya might be the only one with that unique placement

D said...

^^ hahahahahahahahaha

t-odd said...

Boobie, boobie, boob, boob. I am a 12 year old boy at heart. Boobs are funny.

Tasha the Triathlon Goddess said...

Ha, I can always count on my readers to be funnier than me.... ;-)