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Friday, January 1, 2010

Let the sun shine in


I went to a NYE party last night, where I discovered this essential truth: my female friends are green with envy over my impending boob job. It’s true. And not only will I have the bodacious rack, but I also get the moral righteousness that goes with it. Think about it. Should anyone ever be enough of a cretin to make a comment along the lines of “Nice fake boobs there, eh?” – I then get to snarl at them that “Yeah, they’re great – too bad The Cancer is what made them necessary.” Then they get to totally feel like shit, and maybe in the process learn something about how rude it is to make judgmental comments about other people’s bodies. I like that.

I also decided, in speaking to people, that based on the glorious victory of my first annual FuCHTYP, another party will be in the offing, this time a “Bring Your Boobs!” par-tay. (Many thanks to Mary Beth for coming up with the name!) Guests will be able to interpret the BYB theme any way they wish – girls may choose to wear low-cut clothing, guys may decide to bring their cute yet clownish single (ahem) friends. Annette has dibs on the Jingle Jugs, so that she can recreate that marvel in cake format. I have the utmost faith in her mad cake-making-decorating skilz, not that there’s any pressure or anything, Nettie.

The possibilities are endless. This will probably be my birthday weekend, so please mark your calendars accordingly.

So it seems like a lot of people were glad to see the tail end of 2009 as it made its way out the door, and that it was a shitty year for many. Let’s see though – I think my summation of 2009 would have to be this: Not As Sucky as 2008! Because compared to that year, with The Cancer, the bike crash, the brain injury, the inability to work because of all of the above, 2009 was a veritable breeze. Not only were there my astonishing athletic achievements at IronSpud, but I also had the exciting adventure of driving out there and finding the wonder that is the Corn Palace, and then meandering through the Dakotas and hearing the Most Offensive Commercial Ever Created. Then to cap things off, I made it through the year without having to file for bankruptcy or losing my home, and then found out that FBE was in fact just a mysterious eye ailment rather than a brain tumor. So I’d say this year was basically an up.

My goals for 2010 are equally modest – I’d like to, say, not have my house burn down or anything else catastrophic, and keeping the “no brain tumor” streak alive would also be a good thing. Hey, never let it be said that I don’t know how to aim high.

3 comments:

RP said...

Ok, like quit having this extravagant parties when you know if I can't afford to go to Boston...I can't afford to go to Chicago...*whine-sniffle-peep* Tho, give me a head's up on your b-day weekend. Maybe something sent "ala" VS or Fredricks is in order for the new girls on the block. :-)

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Accelerate said...

Can I come to the boob party? I'm an expert on telling fake from real boobs. I'll even prove it!