Sunday, January 10, 2010

Whose brilliant idea was this again?


Of course the snowstorm starts just as I leave my house to go pick up Deanna. And of course our fine mayor, still bitter over the loss of the Olympics and the fact that the people aren’t embracing his sellout of every parking spot in the city, sees no reason to send salt trucks out onto those snowy streets, so I see several spinouts and crashes just in the short ride to Deanna’s place. But eventually we make it to the airport, where I’m sure I’ll sail through with no problems, since I have neither Foob tucked into my bra, nor a packet of explosives tucked anywhere.

Woe to me for underestimating the AirTran counter lady.

Griselda the AirTran demonlady: Your passport is expired.
Me: Yes, well, here’s my increasingly crumpled piece of paper.
GAD: Don’t you have something else? Social security card, your birth certificate?
Me: Umm, I don’t usually carry my birth certificate around with me.
GAD: I can’t let you fly without some kind of government-issued document.
Me: That crumpled piece of paper, that is a government-issued document.

Now, luckily I’m secure in the knowledge that she can’t stop me, since I know thanks to the Googles that I don’t actually need an ID to get on the plane, though I might be flagged for extra screening. But for some reason, all this infuriates GAD, as she goes to check with her supervisor, talks to her, is apparently informed that she can’t stop me, and then comes back over. Where she kicks my suitcase a few times, apparently trying to get it over the weight limit so I have to pay even more to check my bag. Ha, no dice, bitch. The best she can do is write “expired passport” on my boarding pass. Puh, that’s the best you can do? Please.

We leave Griselda and go to run the TSA gauntlet. I get to my guy, and he almost doesn’t notice the passport thing – but then he sees where GAD scribbled on my boarding pass.

TSA dude: Your passport is expired, huh?
Me: Yep, and see, I have this ticket instead of my driver’s license.
TSA dude: Do you have some other forms of ID?
Me: Sure, what do you need? Something with a picture?
TSA dude: No, it doesn’t have to have a picture, since I have your passport picture.
Me: Okay, how about credit card? Visa? Or here, my Jewel card?
TSA dude: Do you have anything else?
Me: Hmm….oh, I know, here’s my car insurance card!
TSA dude: Perfect. AmFam, huh?
Me: Yep, my agent’s great. You have them too?
TSA dude: Car and house, you got it. Here you go, have a great trip!

And I’m on my way. So thus far in my travels I’ve learned that I can get through security with a bomb made of titanium, and an expired passport if I have American Family insurance, so that TSA dude and I can bond over that. Good to know.

After our plane is de-iced twice, we manage to take off in the small window of opportunity that exists in this blizzard…..and several hours later, arrive in Florida where the cold rivals that of Chicago. Though at least there’s no snow. Yet.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a weatherman as angry as the guy on that evening’s news: “Bitterly cold tomorrow, with a high of 44 and a low of 26. This is ridiculous!”



RP said...

1 thing to ask, why the hell would you need a passport to travel w/in the US?? My bad. Like am I missing something new here or wtf?

t-odd said...

That is fricking hilarious. If I didn't know you, I would swear you are making all of this shit up. You're a magnet for angry morons.

t-odd said...

I am going to start referring to breast cancer as the pink cancer. It seems friendlier.

JoJo said...

Good travel tips! Looking forward to the rest of the adventure!