Commercials that need to die

1. Any of them with a ringing doorbell sound

Okay, do we all know how difficult it is to get two rambunctious Dobermans settled in for the evening? Yes, we do. So finally we’re all snuggly on the couch, me of course squished in between the two of them hogging up all the space, bonbons teetering precariously on my lap, them cozy under their blankets, practically snoring away. Ah, peace. When suddenly, the doorbell rings! Oh wait, that’s not the actual doorbell, it’s the fricking commercial! And Kona, ferocious Dobe that he is guarding the house from feral Girl Scouts, immediately leaps up, sending bonbons flailing every which way, barking, running to and fro, whining, jumping around, looking at me like I’m an idiot because I’m not getting up to dispense with anyone silly enough to show up at my house. I hate you all, you silly inane doorbell-ringing commercials. Needless to say, I wouldn’t buy any of the products you’re selling if they were the last ones on earth.

2. That Cialis commercial

I know, which one, right? Well, the ED commercials are bad enough – in fact, ALL of the ads for prescription drugs are insanely annoying, especially the one for Chantix, which goes on for THREE MINUTES (yes I counted) – but there’s one in particular that stands out because it honestly seems like an SNL parody. It’s the one where this couple is painting the living room, and the idiotic voiceover says something like “wanting to get it on can happen at any time, and god forbid you’re not ready when the mood strikes!” Apparently passing a paintbrush to someone else can inspire all kinds of lust. So somehow they go from living room....to walking through a forest........to lounging by a stream......to more forest.......to relaxing in individual bathtubs plunked down in the middle of said forest. All of this in the dark of night. Huh? Does this make ANY sense whatsoever, to anyone out there? Are they at some weird Hedonism type of resort where there are random clawfoot tubs strewn about everywhere? Is this supposed to be post-coital bathtub relaxation? Why the separate tubs then? The mind reels just thinking about it....

3. The Cancer Treatment Centers of America commercials, and any of their ilk

Hey, who knew cancer was such big business, huh? Not me, certainly. If I had known, I would have been telling my doctors all along how lucky they are to have me as a patient. Though I’m sure they know that already (ahem).

So the commercials for local hospitals are bad enough – seriously, everyone wants the lucrative cancer patient, apparently. Even Rush, and whenever I see commercials for them, I practically break out into hives. Bastards.

But the annoying ones are for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America – which I always think sounds like a charlatan of an outfit anyway. They have these decrepit looking people (I guess they’re supposed to look like “regular folk”), first talking about how their Local Big Hospital diagnosed them with Stage 4 cancer and said, tough luck, go home to die, we can’t help you. Then they make their way to Cancer Centers, and (behold, angel choir!) not only are they getting peeled grapes in bed every night, but as for that pesky stage 4 cancer? No problem! Cured and sent home in 3 months! Then the people wrap up by saying they want to go spit in the face of their original doctors. Or something like that.

My main problem with these ads, other than the idiocy of them and the cackling of the people at the end in self-righteous glee, is that they really make it sound like unless you go to their facilities, you’re signing your own death warrant. Never mind that for most people they’d be out of network (read = a shitload of money), if you really cared about your life or that of your husband/wife/son/whoever, by golly, you’d do what it takes to get yourself to the CTCA! The rest of you, gee, too bad, you’re going to die. And that’s just wrong, to make people feel guilty for not going to your facility. So you guys can just suck it.

That wraps up today’s rant – I’m sure there’ll be something else pissing me off tomorrow. It’s been that kind of day/week/month/year/lifetime.