Thursday, March 25, 2010
Happy time with.....the IRS??
We all know that I pretty much make my living – such as it is – railing against the injustices foisted onto the little people by various corporate and government monoliths. Primarily BCBS and the IRS, in that order. Dealing with them, or the thought of having to deal with them, keeps me up at night. Because we all know how those calls to BCBS generally go:
Me: So I received this bill for $8K for my surgery and I don’t understand what it’s for?
BCBS lackey: Let’s see.....oh, that’s because there was a doctor in the room.
Me: A doc....what?
BCBS lackey: Yes, we decided that the doctor was unnecessary, so we can’t cover that.
Me: The doctor wasn’t necessary for surgery?
BCBS lackey: Yes. Oh, excuse me, my special “Congratulations, you’re a Rockstar” iPod just got here, as a reward for my skill in denying claims for stupid asshat reasons. Gotta go – have a great day!
So you see why I’d be equally perturbed about talking to the dreaded government. The bloated, inefficient government, so unlike the stellar service that we’re used to from the giants of private industry. You know, like the cable company, AT&T, any bank, etc. Wow, the service they offer – truly amazing.
Anyway – as we know, I had spoken to the IRS about a week and a half ago, whereupon the guy I talked to told me it was clear that no one had done jack shit about my situation (paraphrasing here), and that he’d assign it to an IRS Taxpayer Advocate, who’d call me within the next 7-10 days. And I relay what happened here simply out of a sense of fairness, i.e. if I'm going to gnash my teeth over these people when they act like total fucktards, then I should also....well, you'll see what I mean.
I’m talking on the work phone to David from Mintel, discussing a report, and my cell phone keeps ringing, but I ignore it because I’m on a work-related call, and I’d never be so rude as to dump one call for another.
Me: So we’re not trying to boil the ocean here, or throw a pie in the dark, as it were.....(phone is now ringing for the 3rd time)
David: Do you need to get that?
Me: Let me just see who it is, I’ll be right back....hello?
Pleasant lady: Hi, my name is Michelle, and I’m the Taxpayer Advocate from the IRS...
Me: Oh HI, thanks so much for calling! (Hang up the work phone.) It’s great to hear from you!
PL: Well, I’m just calling to try and help straighten things out for you, so hopefully we can do that...
What follows is a Stepford-like conversation with an uber-nice woman who’s looked at all my records, agrees that nothing has been done so far and it’s not clear as to why (there seems to be some kind of notation somewhere that I filed for bankruptcy at some point, which I didn’t), but she’s going to get it figured out, by golly. The fact that for some unknown reason other than my astonishing bad luck the IRS also doesn’t have a record of my 2004 returns, which I certainly DID fill out and send in on time? No problem, she’s giving me extra time to find a copy of that return. And she’s so nice and chatty in the process that I just want to invite her over for some bundt cake and tea. And I practically do, as we’re wrapping up our conversation.
Me: Thank you SO much, you’ve been so helpful, you have no idea how much I appreciate this, it’s all been keeping me up at night from stress.
PL: I’m happy to help – we’ll get all this figured out!
Me: And if you’re ever in the neighborhood, stop by for some cake! And tea!
PL: I’d love to!
Okay, so that’s not exactly how it went, but almost. And the year is still young, so the big Cake and Tea Par-tay with the IRS could still become a reality. Now, could someone explain to me again how much worse it is dealing with these inefficient government bureaucrats? Anyone?