Sunday, March 28, 2010

The exploding breast implants of death!

So to recap: these days, when I fly through an airport, I’m still being forced to pull out my CPP (Crumpled Piece of Paper) in lieu of my driver’s license for a ticket I received SIX MONTHS AGO. Not that I’m upset about this or anything, oh no. Because I always have that expired passport I can whip out as my identification – since I can’t get THAT renewed until I get my damn license back so that I have some form of picture ID. I also have a titanium collarbone, which so far the metal detectors haven’t picked up (hello! Bomb made of titanium maybe?), and of course, the Fuck Cancer hat paints me as a troublemaker right from the start. Not to mention the fact that I’m often traveling with the dreaded and sinister GU or (gasp!) chamois cream, all waiting to be confiscated. And has been. Because god forbid they should stop the guy with no luggage who bought his one-way ticket with cash and is sporting an “I Luv Terrorists!” t-shirt, when they could protect a planeload of people from me and my GU. Okay, so if it’s a ClifShot gel then maybe I could see that, heinous as they are, but GU? No.

So what with all this as well as my typical surly mien when traveling, it’s hard enough to get anywhere. And then, I read this article , an excerpt of which is below:

“Breast-implants packed with explosives could be used by terrorists to blow up an airliner, experts have reportedly warned. Radical Islamist plastic surgeons could be carrying out the implant operations in lawless areas of Pakistan....explosives experts have reportedly said just five ounces of Pentaerythritol Tetrabitrate packed into a breast implant would be enough to blow a “considerable” hole in the side of a jumbo jet. It would be virtually impossible for airport security scanners to detect the explosive if hidden inside a breast, medics have said. Joseph Farah, a terrorism expert, told The Sun: "Women suicide bombers recruited by al-Qaeda are known to have had the explosives inserted in their breasts under techniques similar to breast enhancing surgery."

Great. Just great. Now, when someone posted this on YSC and a woman asked how this would actually work, i.e. how the would-be terrorists would access the implants in order to add the necessary liquid or whatever to get them to explode, I of course had to pipe up and mention my adjustable boobages – you know, with the port, where it’s easy enough to use a needle to access the port and add saline. Or, umm, the appropriate explosion-inducing material.

Yeah. So. I’m looking at my probable impending trip to Guantanamo as a good thing, as long as they let me take my laptop and I get some internet connectivity. Because really, what better way to win the Bat Girl contest than to have an entire prison full of men voting incessantly for me all day long? Okay sure, so they’re all Muslim, but maybe I can tell them it’s a “Vote for the worst infidel!” contest? Hmm, maybe I need to rethink this.....


RP said...

I ♥ the whole I'm gonna put explosives in my implants, can ya like set me up w/that Dr. Fine? Gawd, that was a good laugh for a monday morn. :-)

More things to look forward to whilst you travel, eh T?

Roadie in Vancouver said...

LOL and don't forget all the letters you will get from bachelors looking to date a jailbird!!!

RP said...

OMG! Isn't that the truth Roadie. Hey T somethin else to look forward to. MUAH!

the infertile breeder said...

Ya, that's all well and good. But tell us more about your beloved government bureaucrats! :-)