All is right with the world again

I had another follow-up appointment with Dr. Fine today, and I have to say, I was giddy with excitement about it. I’ve never been THAT happy to be going to the doctor’s office as I was today. Happy happy joy joy! Why, you ask? The prospect of the removal of TFD, or Those Fucking Drains, which have been making my life miserable – making it painful to walk, stand, move, pretty much the entire gamut of activity one generally likes to undertake in any given day. Yes, yes, I know I referred to the drains as our “little helpers” – clearly I was on an uptick in the Vicodin count when I wrote that. Actually, as with all things in life, there’s a fine line between usefulness and suckage, and the drains had definitely tumbled over into the realm of suckage, moving from benevolent little helpers to TFD. Such is life.

So this afternoon, my mom picks me up to take me to my appointment, and I’m pleased to note that with my helpful instruction – “Okay, so now you want to lurch maniacally over to the right” and “We’re entering the parking garage now – do you want to switch places and let me drive?” – we manage to make our way downtown unscathed. Amazingly enough, my mom even does a stellar job of just pulling into a parking spot, and……not needing to repark! I know, I’m thinking the same thing as everyone else here: do you believe in miracles??!

I practically skip to my appointment, and Barb proclaims that she’ll have a cocktail tonight too in solidarity with me after I mention my plan to drink heavily to celebrate my new drain-free existence. Dr. Fine then inspects the boobages and proclaims them perfect (or close to it), Michelle takes out the drains, and I’m free at last, free at last!! As I go out to the waiting room, I’m making the V for Victory sign, hands overhead, which, amazingly enough, doesn’t hurt! The difference is like night and day. And as I’m flinging my arms hither and yon, just because I can, the lone other woman waiting interrupts.

Nice woman: You just got your drains out?
Me: Yes!! I’m so happy! Life is awesome! Are you getting yours out too?
NW: I hope so! They’re so horrible, aren’t they?
Me: Oh that’s for sure – I had mine in for 2 ½ weeks, and they were driving me crazy!
NW: Wow, that’s a long time, mine have just been in for 8 days.
Me: Well, I got one out last week, then one of the two remaining became the New Slacker, and then there was the one Overachiever Drain. There’s one in every crowd I suppose. But now I’m free, free!

And so, there in Dr. Fine’s waiting room, we bond over the horribleness of the drains and their fickleness, as they turn on you after pretending to be your friends. So sad.

Of course, I’m so giddy and happy in leaving the office that I don’t remember until I’m in the elevator that I totally forgot to get my parking ticket validated. Oops. No matter. And tomorrow morning I’m picking up my chublet Kona, so my crazy little world will be righted on its axis once again. Life is beautiful.