BCBS, not completely heartless after all

I know I rail against BCBS here on a consistent basis, exposing them for the faceless bureaucratic monolith they are......yet once in a while, when even the most mercenary of companies feels moved to do a kind deed for the little people, well, that tale must be told.

And so it came to pass that last night, after I got home from being with the family for Christmas, I sat down with a nog to open my remaining gifts, including the box purportedly from BCBS. Perhaps they’ve sensed that I’ve been thinking evil thoughts at them, knowing that I’ll have new battles to fight with them in the new year after my reconstruction? Because apparently the wise and practical folks at Blue Cross consider all sorts of things “optional” when it comes to this kind of surgery. Like nipples. Or tattoos. This surgery which, I might note, they are legally obligated to pay for. Yes, it took an actual law on the books to get insurance companies to pay for reconstruction. So perhaps this was their attempt at extending the proverbial olive branch?

And indeed, it was! Basically their way of telling me – “Hey, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Even if we arbitrarily decide to deny you coverage of your reconstruction surgery, as we like to do, just for the hell of it, there are other options for you. Here’s one of them. Enjoy!”

Because what was in the box was this:



I’m not sure these need explanation, but the product text includes the following:

“The trophy rack you’ve always wanted!”

and

“Fashioned after a lifelike set of woman's breasts, Jingle Jugs, when activated, begin to move in rhythmic motion to the song, "Titties & Beer".....They're a must have in the game room or in the bar....Put a new top on 'em to match the season. Mount 'em next to your trophies in the game room - leave 'em on "Motion Detect Mode" and startle visitors when they jiggle and dance to "Titties & Beer." The opportunities for laughter and fun are endless with Jingle Jugs!”

The only thing accompanying this wonderful present was a note that explained “BCBS Foobage Plan C.” Oh, and two random sheets torn from what appears to be a pet supply catalog. But it did finally occur to me that some lackey – I mean, dedicated employee – of BCBS must have taken advantage of the fact that their headquarters are in downtown Chicago, and instead of wasting money on postage to actually mail this – money that could be better spent to prop up BCBS CEO McCaskey’s paltry $11M salary – they came by my place to drop it off. Because packages don’t make it through the US mail without some kind of identifying sign of postage, origin, etc., so there was definitely a local input to this.

But best of all? The Jingle Jugs have the all-important pink ribbon on the box, meaning we’re all united in the fight against breast cancer! Sniffle, it truly does take a village. You, me, BCBS, and Jingle Jugs. I can only weep at such an outpouring of solidarity....