Saturday, May 29, 2010
Miss Tasha, every retailer's dream
I stride in briskly and purposefully as usual, setting an example for the little people on how to carry oneself at all times, with gravitas and élan. Also as usual, as soon as I get into line I scan the pastry case, looking for the petite scone. It’s very rare that they screw up so royally as to not have it, but when they do err so grievously, I need to be prepared with choice #2. Egads, no petite scone! And egads, what’s this? No petite anything? No mini-donuts?? What ho?
Diane is helping the woman in front of me, but clearly she needs to be apprised of what’s going on immediately.
Me, sternly: Diane, situation! Situation! We have a situation! Mayday!
I look at her, and then look pointedly at the case, with raised brows.
Diane: Oh no, no you don’t mean…
Me: Oh yes. A situation. What are we going to do about this? There’s not even anything else mini for The Kone!
Diane, to the woman she had been helping: She needs to get a scone for Kona.
Diane: Yes, you know, her dog Kona!
Woman: Oh, is that it? I thought maybe water was leaking into the case, or….
Me, interrupting: Ha, would that it were that simple! This is much more serious than that!
All the SB employees assist me in pondering the other pastry offerings, to see what else Kona might like. A donut? A bagel? Aha, a peanut butter cookie??
The woman is still waiting and a line is forming, but no matter, we have much more serious issues to attend to.
Diane: Do you think the cookie will be okay? Will he like that?
Me, fretting: I hope so. I just don’t know. He wasn’t too happy with the vanilla donut that one time.
Diane: Well, you be sure to let us know.
Me: Oh, I will – and let’s make sure we get those petite scones in, m’kay? You know what they say, it takes a village….
I’ve been shopping with Caroline and Lynn, getting stuff for the Tri Club party at Galena, and since I’m the one with the Costco card, I write the check when we’re checking out. Then, serendipity…
Checkout woman: Could I see some id, a driver’s license?
Me: A driver’s license? Did you say……driver’s license?
The checkout woman is looking at me strangely, for some reason.
Me: Caroline, did you hear her? She wants to see my driver’s license!
Caroline: Your driver’s license? Amazing!
Me, to checkout woman: You see, I just got my driver’s license back after the State of Illinois had it for SEVEN MONTHS…..so I’m a little excited at being able to pull it out as needed.
Checkout woman: Oh, I hear you on that! They take your license and they don’t want to give it back!
Me: Exactly! But look – ta da!
I pull out my driver’s license with a flourish, and show it to everyone within a 15-foot radius. Lookie, my license! Then, the unthinkable.
Checkout woman: Great, I’ll just give all this to the verification guy over there.
Me: But, bu……
And she plucks it out of my hand, and I watch, aghast, as she walks away with it.
Me, wailing: Nooooooooooo…………
At Dr. Mazullo’s office (I know, technically not a retailer, but still)
Dr. M.: So how have you been doing?
Me: I’m fat and I’m surly. Isn’t there a pill you can prescribe for me?
Dr. M.: No pills! Have you tried exercise? Just 30 minutes a day, a few times a week…..
Dr. M.: Have you thought about seeing a therapist?
Me: Okay guys, this is day 5 of no petite scones. What’s going on here? Is Dave somehow trying to diss me?
Wayne: Dave the Manager? He wouldn’t do that. Let me see where the problem is. We haven’t been getting them all week.
Me: I know! This is becoming a serious problem!
(Wayne goes and gets the delivery manifest, and they all start looking at it intently.)
Other SB guy whose name I don’t know: Maybe there was a fire at the petite scone factory?
Me: Hmm, that could be it…….
Wayne: Okay, it looks like we’ve been ordering them but they haven’t been delivering them.
Me: Aha! Who do I speak to about this? To whom should I direct my scathing letter?
Wayne: We’ll get to the bottom of it, don’t worry.
I get my coffee, add the Splenda, then before I leave, one last sally:
Me, gravely: Someone is going to be looking into this situation, right? To resolve it? I mean, a cookie is fine once in a great while, but Kona’s reputation has been built on the Kone Scone, so……
I leave, confident that I’ve made them understand the gravity of the situation. I hope. God forbid I should have to escalate things to the next level…..
*I have no idea what this purported next level is, but I thought this sounded good…..