While most people may assume that my Boobages have already achieved a state of perfection, the fact is that the Boobage Process requires multiple steps. And so it is that today, Monday, I’m having what is hopefully my final reconstruction procedure. Well, scratch that – I keep forgetting about the tattoos, which come later. But that’ll be a piece of cake in comparison.
So what’s today’s surgery? That would be the Fippleotomy, mainly. (Faux nipple = fipple.) I mention these details so that a) people don’t feel compelled to ask me which surgery this is, and b) so people know what a huge holy fricking pain in the ass cancer is, so I suggest you avoid it if at all possible. Anyway, I need nipple recon on the right, and a lift on the left. Why a lift? Well, you see, radiation does such an excellent job of ultra-tightening one’s skin that it looks like I had a lift on my right side, and so the girls are totally uneven as a result. Now, I could just see if they’ll irradiate my left side to get that same skin-tightening effect…..but I decided I’d take the easy way out and go with surgery instead.
This is all taking place this morning with Dr. Fine at Northwestern, and I expect to be back to my usual strenuous routine by tomorrow. Speaking of which, I know some have expressed alarm and dismay that I’m not sharing every tiny detail of my grueling training regimen for the Alps, and I must explain that I hesitate to do so only because I worry about the impact of such information on all of you, my gentle reader(s). I’m flattered by those who would seek to emulate me, yet when a fine physical specimen such as myself is already up to holding The Plank for 25 seconds…..well, you see the issue here. However, sigh, those nuggets of wisdom will indeed be forthcoming, but I think it goes without saying – don’t try this at home.
Anyway, back to the whole surgery thing. So I’ll go home tonight, and then I’ve already arranged with Hooterlicious Kim to do a teleshot. Okay, 15 teleshots to be exact. I don’t know how we came up with that number, but it has something to do with the surgery, it being Kim’s birthday (whee!!), the number of tomatoes I have planted already, and the winter solstice coming to an end. Or something like that. So I invite all of you in the blogosphere to join us, tonight at 8PM CST, in hoisting some kind of fruity alcoholic beverage – because after all, nothing says “doing the stupid things” like getting likkered up (on shots, no less) while one is still emerging from the effects of anesthesia.
Now if you’ll all excuse me, I must go back to designing some kind of early-alarm system, to warn me in case some miscreant should decide to try to steal my precious driver’s license from my purse. I know, that type of horror doesn’t even bear thinking about. I wonder if a mini-guillotine mechanism is overkill…….