Thursday, October 21, 2010

The internets is scaring me

And this isn’t even about the Pinkishness. Where I must say, I’ve created a monster. But more about that later.

Anyway, you know how it is – there you are, diligently working away, doing what you can to bring in some money to keep the pigs ears rolling in and thus your home in a state of happy harmony. Then someone sends you an email with a link to something, which you decide to check out in between your bouts of diligence. That link leads to a page with other interesting stories, so you check those out. And so on. And the next thing you know, after signing a petition or two, writing a scathing letter, and commenting on 6 or 54 news stories and blogs, you find yourself avidly reading an article entitled "The 25 Craziest Food Creations 2010."

Now, some of these things are just silly, like the fried seafood platter from some fast-food fish place. Umm, hello, what did you think you’d get there, grilled tilapia? No. They serve fried fish to people who want it fast, and they don’t need people like you around to give the joint atmosphere. So you two pixies out the door……oops, sorry, I was channeling Nick the mean bartender from It’s a Wonderful Life there for a moment. Where was I?

Oh yeah, crayzee food. The other thing is that this article is written by the wacky people who came up with the “Eat this not that” concept. Where they exhort you that instead of eating that celebratory steak to mark your 50 years of working in the salt mine at a restaurant you can afford to go to once a year, instead you should have a veggie platter, because doncha know, it has fewer calories. Really? Who knew?

Or they’ll mention that when you make that daily trip to Hardee’s for your Mega-Double-Baconator-Burgarific-Burger, that you should tone it down a bit and have a fruit salad and some yogurt. Because we all go to Hardee’s for yogurt. Right. And I wonder, who exactly is their audience here? If you go to Hardee’s once a year, like most of us, you’re going to order what you damn well please. If you go there every day like some segment of the populace, you’re very likely to not give a shit.

But all of that isn’t what stopped me in my tracks, what made me wonder what we as a country are coming to, this kind of lawlessness and total disregard for the basic mores of society. Because then I saw this:

Yes, kids, Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt. Or, something you get “by driving four deep-fried cheese sticks into the core of the sandwich. So what you end up with are cheese sticks with extra cheese between slabs of buttered bread and a pile of fried potatoes on the side.”

My soul died a little when I saw that. But wait, there’s more! Behold:

New York Cheesecake Pancakes at IHOP – described as fluffy pancakes with gooey hunks of cheesecake.

Much as I like crappy food and am always happy to be introduced to the latest and greatest in this category (hello raspberry Zingers!), this is just…..wrong. On so many levels. Please, let’s stop the madness before it’s too late. Who’s with me? Bueller?

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