Well, that was a crushing disappointment.
So I head first to the local Dominicks, to see what kind of pink beribboned ridiculousness I can find. It looks somewhat promising, because as soon as I walk in, there’s a special display on the left with For The Cure Wheat Thins as well as graham crackers. Yawn. I mean, that’s great and all, but a girl can’t live on wheat thins alone, and we all know that October is the month that I strictly adhere to a pink-only diet.
This means that in addition to mai tais (what? They’re pink…ish!), I only eat the foods that are specifically For The Cure, in hopes of being cured by the time the month is out. I think that’s the inherent promise in there somewhere, if one is dedicated enough to the pinkishness. If you’re not cured by the time the month is over, well, obviously you’re not trying hard enough.
So I stroll through the entire store, eagerly looking for pink versions of my standard go-to foods, and…..what’s this? No pink Hostess cupcakes? Really people, if you can’t make pink cupcakes, I’d say you’re just phoning it in, ya know? Paying lip service to The Cure, as it were.
I leave in disgust, writing the requisite letter in my head: “Dear Dominicks – Having noticed the deplorable dearth of pink-beribboned food and sundry items in your establishment, I am shocked and appalled at your lack of dedication To The Cure. Are the Cancerous among us no longer “en vogue”? Have we been relegated to chopped liver status? J’accuse!”
Meanwhile, I head over to Walgreen’s, where rumor has it they’re selling pink Chia pets – you know, so you can compare your own hair growth post-chemo to the hair growing on your own little Chia Pet. But, another shock – not a single Chia Pet to be found in the entire store! Obviously I live in a neighborhood catering to Communists or something, or those who don’t appreciate the best that capitalism has to offer. I shake my weary head.
Then, Target. I figure Target, of all places, that bastion of free market bacchanalia, will have pink items galore. Right? I mean, how can it not? To say that my expectations are sky high would not be an understatement. Especially since Cori has just texted me to tell me about her most excellent find at Walmart: pink bubble wrap! Surely Target can do better than Walmart? Not to mention another friend who’s found cartons of eggs, with each egg stamped with a little pink ribbon. Swoon…..
And, the answer to the Target vs. Walmart question would appear to be….no. Because again, I wander through the entire fricking store, and find almost nothing. Nada as far as regular merchandise, like socks or bandaids. And in the food aisles, I find….Sun Chips For The Cure? Fiber One? Baked Lays???? What the hell, people – is the assumption here that because we have cancer, that we want to eat all healthy and shit? Where are my Doritos For The Cure? Eggos For The Cure? Tater Tots For The Cure??
For a brief second, I have hope, as I see from a distance pink marshmallows. Alas, they’re just strawberry-flavored, not actually For The Cure. Damn. What’s a girl supposed to eat for the entire month? And not just me, but The Kone as well? Because yes, you guessed it, I’ve wandered over to the dog food aisles, and there is not one single type of dog treat For The Cure. Not. One. I know, the mind reels.
Yet just as my faith in humanity is flagging to heretofore unseen levels of despair, I find hope, right there in the aisles of my local Target. Hope in the form of none other than Kraft Macaroni ‘N Cheese For The Cure. And Hamburger Helper! Lordie be, I’m saved, I’m saved! And then, I almost hear the angel choirs singing as I see my next big find: Mike’s Hard Lemonade For The Cure. It’s like a sign from God, that one of my drinks of choice now has the potential to cure cancer. I breathe a sigh of relief.
One final stop, at McDonald’s on the way home to get a latte. Which doesn’t have to be pink, because it’s a vital nutrient. As I’m pulling through the drive-thru, what do I see but a flamboyant sign advertising their PINK strawberry-banana smoothie! Could it be?? I decide to find out.
Drive-thru person: Welcome to McDonalds would you like to try our new frappe?
Me: No thank you. But I’m wondering, your pink smoothie, is that For The Cure?
DTP: Umm….excuse me?
Me: Your pink smoothie – is that an integral part of the Fight Against Cancer? Does it bring us a step closer to The Cure?
I take the total silence to mean that I can’t risk it. After all, I have my Pinktober standards, not to mention fifteens of readers eagerly waiting to find out if my dedication will help me Win The Fight.
Me, sighing: Never mind, I’ll just have a skim latte, please.
The quest continues….