My new love = the IRS

No really, it’s true. And I don’t even think this is a result of the brain injury or anything. To recap – I’ve been dealing with the IRS because of issues with my 2003 return – and then to add insult to injury, they told me they couldn’t find my 2004 or 2006 returns. WTF? So because I’m a dumbass and have the filing system smarts of, say, a peanut shell, for the last month I’ve been frantically looking through every scrap of paper I own, looking for those damn 04 and 06 forms. They also wanted a copy of 2003, which I figured was a piece of cake – just print off a fresh copy, right?

Wrong.

Because you see, when you buy a new TurboTax for each subsequent year, apparently they overwrite the program for the previous year(s), so when you go to open, say, the 2003 return, you can no longer do so. Unless you use the original disc that the ’03 program was on – and god only knows where that is. Remember, my system of filing < the intelligence of a peanut shell.

So I can’t print out 2003. I can’t for the life of me find 2004. And 2006? Well, my printer doesn’t work when hooked up to my Mac, so I figure I’ll print it out on the PC – except that doesn’t work either, as 2006 is before the TurboTax people made it easy for you to save as a PDF and thus be able to open your docs on a PC or Mac. And all this is supposed to be faxed to my Taxpayer Advocate friend at the IRS today. I’ve left a message for my erstwhile accountant to see if she can fax me 2003, but she’s been pretty useless from the beginning, so I’m skeptical that that’ll work. Needless to say, I’m a little stressed out. Contemplating a cocktail. Cursing my disorganization. Drinking a cocktail. Saying “to hell with it, I’m goin’ to jail!” Okay, so I didn’t quite get to that point, yet, because just at that moment, the phone rang.

Me: Hello?
Most awesome person in the world: Hi, this is Michelle M. from the IRS Taxpayer Advocate Office and...
Me: Omg, great to hear from you! I was just thinking of you!
MAPW: I was just calling to tell you that I did pull your 2003 returns, and it’s still not clear if anyone was assigned to them, so I’m going to forward them to the review office, so it’ll take another 30 days for that.
Me: Great! So glad you found the 2003s. About the 04 and 06 ones...
MAPW: Oh, that’s not a big concern right now...
Me: But I do want to make sure you have them, so I have one less thing to worry about. I have 2006, but I can’t find anything for 2004, and as god is my witness I swear I did my return but I just can’t find a damn thing even though I’ve looked everywhere in this damn house! It could be on one of the computers that died – there were two of them – so that’s my next tactic, to try to retrieve them.
MAPW: Okay, that would be fine, but really......
Me: But just in case, could I perhaps get a summary of my 1099s and whatever forms you guys have, so I can recreate my tax return if necessary?
MAPW: Oh sure, that’s not a problem! I have them here – how about if I just fax them to you?
Me: PERFECT! That would be so great. You are the BEST! Thankyouthankyouthankyou...
MAPW: You’re very welcome – have a great day!

So she faxes me the forms, and I discover that a) they seem to be missing my key 1099 for 2006, so it looks like I didn’t make any money and hence I have no income to declare*, and b) I made little enough money in 2004 that it would be easy enough to just redo the damn tax return already rather than spending hours, nay days, looking for the originals. Even though it irks me to have to buy TurboTax 2004 again. Why oh why does technology hate me??

After I realize I’m okay with the IRS for now, i.e. I don’t have to worry too much about them freezing my bank account again or anything, I feel so dizzy with success that I wonder who else I can call to try to straighten things out. Dare I even think it.......the Driver’s License people??

Maybe I’ll just start drinking again....

And seriously, would it be so wrong if I sent Michelle a lovely bundt cake? That's acceptable, right? Like an IRS agent has never received a bundt cake as a gift before - puh-leeze.

*Just to clarify that I’m NOT an itinerant scofflaw, at least not with my taxes, I did put all my income on the 2006 return, even though they don’t seem to have a record of it. I’m not THAT stupid. Well, not all the time, at least.