My life, that is. Yes, the phenomenon of fame and fortune following me around like a lost puppy continues, with everyone wanting a piece of me or my rock$tar life that they can then turn around and somehow incorporate into their own humdrum existences.
Take Tom Hanks, for example. Not sure if most people have heard of him, but he’s done a few movies or something. Well, after *I* wind up spending a good amount of time hanging out at Frank’s Restaurant waiting while the Monte Carlo is being fixed, who then decides to film his next movie there? Yep, you guessed it, Tom Hanks. When I head over to Frank’s that next morning after leaving the car with Andy’s “guy,” I learn that the place will be closed from April 26th – May 9th for filming of a movie called “Larry Crowne”, about some millionaire who loses all his money in a stock market crash and finds himself working as a cook at this diner. Or something along those lines. Apparently I’m going to be played by Julia Roberts, though I wonder about that. Is she leggy enough? You tell me. I’m just not sure….
Then I get a call from Motya, telling me that my Life With Grandma at Leisureworld has been made into a movie called In Her Shoes, with Cameron Diaz playing me. Apparently she’s some slacker who goes to live with her grandmother at the retirement community and involves herself in the lifestyle there. Though I don’t know how that parallels my life that much, other than the fact that it could certainly be said that I’m the brunette, smart version of Cameron Diaz. So that much makes sense.
Anyway, after all this excitement, I’m ready to relax and so I stroll the grounds of LeisureWorld, noting that that evening it’s karaoke night at the rec center. Might have to check that out. I head off to the pharmacy/gift shop/rec center to see if I can find anything that says “LeisureWorld” on it as gifts for friends: shotglasses, t-shirts, waterwings, etc. Alas, nothing (and talk about a missed opportunity!), but as I’m wandering around the shop, who should come up and start chatting with me? None other than Methuselah himself.
Methuselah: They’re doing bone scans over there!
Me: Oh really?
Meth: They’re free!
Me: Ah, interesting….
Meth: It takes just a minute and they’ll tell you how good your bones are.
Either Meth is moonlighting for the bone density scan people, or for some reason he thinks I look like I really need a bone density scan. Regardless, I glance at his sheet of paper, and I’ll be damned if he doesn’t have really good bones. And he’s probably around 102 years old. Hmm. I glance over at the scan table, where the 2 guys are looking pretty bored, so I wander over.
Me: So what’s with this bone density scan thing?
Guy 1: We’re doing free scans today! It just takes a minute, and we’ll give you a sheet of paper with your results that tells you what percentile you’re in and how your bones are doing.
Me: What do I need to do?
Guy 1: You just put your foot right here and it’ll do the scan. Simple as that!
Me: So it gives you an average?
Guy 1: Mumble mumble jumble mumble better than MRI because mumble etc.
(I kind of tune out at this point as he goes on about why this particular device is better and more accurate than an MRI, which I don’t really get because an MRI measures the density of whatever specific bones it’s looking it. Which is how I know that my left hip bone is borderline crappy, whereas my right is already in osteopenia territory. So I just smile and nod as he’s yammering away.)
Finally, about half a minute later, I get my results, and I’m…….yep, still crappily boned.
Me: So how are my results?
Guy 1: Well see, there you are, compared to other people your age. So you’re at a .6, which is kind of almost still okay.
Guy 2, piping in: But that means you should stop drinking, start exercising, cut back on smoking……
Yes, I don’t even bother trying to explain that I don’t drink or smoke but that FatSurly is crumbling my bones as we speak. What’s the point?
Me: What about the important question - how do I compare with the general population of the geriatric crowd at LeisureWorld?
Guy 1: Compared to some you’re okay, we’ve had other .6s, but we’ve also had some 100-year-old women come in at 1.0!
Me, sighing: Great. Just great.
As I’m leaving, I recall that my friend Meth – he too had better bones than me. At this rate, maybe I should think about getting in on LeisureWorld on the ground floor, so to speak….