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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

More attempts on my life


As my faithful reader(s) know, my adored older brother Andrew has been trying to kill me for some years now. Oh sure, it’s not obvious right off the bat, but really, what turnip truck did *I* just fall off of? Is someone really going to try to tell me that when I visit him and he’s plying me with steaks and lamb chops and rich French sauces and espresso at midnight with heavy cream – that he’s not up to something? And then when I ask him where I should go hiking, he gives me perfect directions to some beautiful places, and then adds “Oh, and make sure you say hi to the baby bears while you’re hiking around – they’re really friendly!” Hmph.


I’m not sure why this is so – perhaps it’s because I was always considered the “special” child growing up, and maybe he still resents that. Who knows? All I know is that I try to handle things with the usual equanimity that I’m known for, the calmness, the reasoning, the sunshiney mien. So when it starts – I’m ready.


Andrew: So I was thinking that after we eat these awesome short ribs that I’ve been cooking to a state of perfection all day, that then we should go to the movies.

Me, suspiciously: A movie, huh? Hmm. Which one?

Andrew: The Alice in Wonderland movie is playing in 3D, and…

Me: Oh, I can’t do 3D anything – I totally get motion sickness with anything like that.

Andrew, smiling expansively: Okay, no problem, we’ll go to the 2D one then….

Me: Hmm….


(later)


Me: So you’re SURE we’re going to the 2D one? Because really, I get sick as a dog puking ill with any kind of those virtual reality kinds of things. I’m very sensitive, you know.

Andrew, innocently: Oh, didn’t I mention it? They didn’t have the 2D one, so we’re going to the 3D one. Is that a problem? I had no idea!

Me: Curses! Nice try! Unfortunately I can’t go – I have work to do. Shucks.


Andrew handles this with grace, seemingly, but I’m sure he’s plotting and scheming away. Must stay on my toes. Is that a cookbook I see open on his nightstand? “101 Ways to Make a Heart-Stoppingly Rich Pie, with Real Lard!” Hmm….


Weather update:


Wednesday – Friday


Seal Beach, CA – High of 60, windy.

Chicago, IL – 82 and sunny.


So it’s no surprise that when I get to my brother’s on Saturday and am sitting in the living room with the news on in the background, I soon hear Angela burst out laughing as the weather forecast is on.

Weather forecaster: We’ve got some kind of front moving in that we very rarely ever see, with split jet streams, so that means there’s a good chance of rain every day. Very unusual weather pattern!


Sigh.

1 comment:

the infertile breeder said...

Chicago's forecast is definitely *not* 80's and sunny, so you're in for a disappointment when you come home. Come to think of it.. maybe Tom Skilling heard you were coming back and thus revised his forecast to 50's, wind, and rain. We're on to you and your schleprockian powers!