The brilliance of the eccentric mind

I’ve been pondering my latest existential dilemma, which revolves around the minor fact that I’m broke and business is slow/nonexistent, coupled with my being a lumpen ball of fat who’ll (sigh) be bringing up the rear again at all my races this summer. While it’s somewhat comforting to cling to the fact of my babylungs as an explanation for my suckiness, that’s kind of depressing, too. Does that mean this is the best I can hope for? God, I hope not. If that’s the case, I might as well start trying to put my freakishly gargantuan head in the oven right now.


But then, as always, a brilliant idea came to me. Hmm - I have no money, but lots of time on my hands. Aha! It all becomes clear. I quickly sketched out the following equation:







where we want to solve for P (P being the Answer to All of Miss Tasha’s Problems). If g is my free time, lambda is the suckitude of the job market, r is the probability that I’ll find a sugar daddy anytime soon, sigma is, well, sigma, and f is the number of resumes I can send out on any given day, then

P = training 6 hours a day to win prize money at triathlons

I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this before, because it solves all my problems in one fell swoop. I won’t be spending money because I’ll be training all day – which also means I won’t be eating so I’ll be thin, lean, svelte, dechunkified. And just think of all the prize money that’ll come rolling in, once I really start putting that Thighmaster to use to get into the optimal triathloning shape. Wait - IS there any prize money given out at triathlons? Much as I love the cowbells some races give out as AG awards, I’m not sure they have such a high resale value on eBay.

In any case – this is the time for action, not mere words, or cheaptalk as my one professor would say. Tomorrow, day one of the plan. Onward.