Monday, February 11, 2008

Is something eluding you, Sunshine?

Now that my workout routine is seemingly on track (though I’m eagerly awaiting my exercise disc in the mail, as the final piece of the puzzle), I’ve decided it’s time to turn to nutrition, an area where I’m a bit behind the 6-ball, as they say. Quite frankly, while the cheesy/crunchy/sugary food group diet has been delightful, it’s not exactly sveltening. And with spring and sundress weather looming ahead, it’s time to lighten up a bit.

So with that in mind, I’ve been studying various nutrition plans, and have decided to go with an approach that will have me thin and, apparently, living to 110 or so. Not that I see that as essential – at this point, I’ll take next week – but hey, fringe benefits are fringe benefits. Of course, one does have to give something up. Like food. I’ve been reading up on the Longevity Diet, which is based on studies that show that people who follow very low calorie diets manage to suppress many of the effects of aging, including heart disease, diabetes, etc. Those are the pros. The cons are that one has to live on nuts, berries, fruits, vegetables, and twigs, and oh yes, for a treat, lots of tea, which is relatively packed with nutrients of some sort. And the people on these diets pretty much uniformly look like crap: pale, pasty, gaunt, old, like this guy.... who's 29. Me, I guess I’ll just have to rely on my natural good looks to carry me through.

Of course, this plan intrigues me. Why? Well, the obvious answer is because it’s completely moronic, and that’s what I’m all about. Saying and doing the stupid shit, so you, gentle reader, don’t have to. This of course means that I’ll have to give up my beloved cheez doodles for a while, since I think they’re calorically dense but maybe not so high on the nutrition scale. Plus I’d eat my daily allotment of calories with about one handful of doodles. So - *sob* – you win, Chuck, dammit, you win!

Anyway, this wacky longevity diet requires that one cut back on calories by about 40% or so. Far be it from me to be half-assed about anything, so I figure I’ll just cut them in half. My motto: if you’re not going to win, then at least crash and burn with gusto. Dream big, people, dream big! Apparently many consider it a good idea to start with a detox week first, and the Master Cleanse diet involves a week or so of nothing but drinking some vile-sounding molasses/pepper/lemon concoction, which I’m interpreting to mean “liquids, fruity or otherwise.” So far today: faux coffee, cup of tea with honey. I can feel the antioxidants surging through my blood vessels already.

My favorite quote from one of the articles: “You might love a big bowl of ice cream, I might love two blueberries.” Umm, yeah, because those are about the same thing.
Would ice cream WITH blueberries be a zero-sum meal? Cause I could live with that. Adding pie to the equation just adds some necessary grains, right?

On another note, I’ve found the perfect training shirt for me: the Club Fat Ass t-shirt. I see this as motivation to be faster, since we’ve already established that I’m the Slowest Person in the Club. I think this is attached to my name permanently; much as we have “IrishDanceSensation Michael Flatley” and “KingofPop Michael Jackson,” I am “SlowestPersonintheClub Tasha Huebner,” or just SlowPIC for short. Since I can’t actually wear this shirt without, well, passing people on the run, that means I need to NOT be the slowest person, i.e. get out there and bust my ass. Not quite sure how this’ll fit in with the new diet, but hey, I guess I’ll find out. Can I at least have my next cup of tea yet?

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