Monday, February 11, 2008

Lost: one brain. If found, please return to owner. Desperate.

Most normal people, when faced with a bitterly cold morning with wind chills of 30 below and a severe weather advisory, would think hmm, that sounds pretty damn cold. I’d better stay in. They would NOT think to themselves: “Self, a run would be just the thing, because there’s nothing like a good challenge to start off the week, eh? Tally ho and all that!” So not only was I talking to myself this morning, but I was also apparently channeling my inner Englishman.

This was how I somehow found myself an hour later bundled up like the Michelin Man and ready to tackle the grim outdoors, after waiting for the temperature to go from an impossible -5 to the practically balmy -2. I’m not sure what possessed me,
since I’m the wimpy type who normally wouldn’t even consider running outside in winter. Perhaps I was thinking about the fact that while my drafty old barn of a house is quaint and all that, it’s also pretty fucking cold. So my theory was that after running in arctic cold, the house would seem tropical in comparison. See, folks, this is the kind of steel trap mind I have that others can only dream of.

So. As part of my post-run analysis, a few observations:

1. This was completely asinine.
2. Unless the anti-fitness fairy paid a visit to me overnight, I have zero lung capacity in extreme cold.
3. Clearly I was not dressed properly, in all my wicking this and thermo-dryweave that. Next time: just pile on the fur coats. This seems to work for people who live in Siberia.
4. To the manufacturers of those chemical hand-warmer thingies that I put into my gloves: my hand is not shaped like a small square. Ergo, while my palm was warm, my poor little fingers were pretty much left hanging out to dry, now weren’t they? Could someone explain to me the thinking around this? Maybe it’s just me and my feeble little consumer mind, not understanding you and your “big picture” MBA thinking. Yes, that's right, I'm sorry, it’s my fault that MY FINGERS SNAPPED LIKE BRITTLE TWIGS about half a mile into my run.
5. It is possible to run in this kind of weather without technically dying. However, it will not be what is generally considered “fun.”
6. Heaters are on sale at Target.

This has been your public service announcement for today. Some of us can now be found burrowed under blankets on the couch, trying to thaw out our still frozen feet.

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